"I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you."

The stares. The looks. There are days that I am able to brush them off my shoulder, and move on. My confidence in my abilities isn’t dampened. I just lift my chin up and carry on.

Today was not one of those days. I took B, M, and our bonus kiddo to our ECFE class this morning. To be quite honest, it went pretty well, but the enemy crept into my mind and heart after leaving the school. I felt deflated, and I questioned if I should even take the kids to ECFE class week in and week out.

There are a few parents in the class that I don’t know well. I haven’t really taken the opportunity to explain why I have extra kiddos with me sometimes. I can see that they don’t understand our situation, and I get a lot of “looks” as I try to parent three separate children in public. Our teachers, and the ECFE program have been amazing. They allow me to bring our bonus kids with me to class. Some of the kids who stay with us are very easy to take out and about. They listen well, follow directions, and transition from one activity to another with ease. And, some do not. It’s okay! All children are different, and all have a different set of experiences that they bring with them (including my own kids). Many days, the Lord gives me the strength and ability to notice the looks I receive and move on. Many days, I am able to stay calm, and deal with each difficult situation with patience (trust me, many times there is outward patience displayed and inward explosion – I am NOT super human, people). Many days, the whispers and glances don’t bother me. Again, today wasn’t one of those days.

Today, ECFE class actually went quite well, but as we got ready to leave, I had to take all three kids into the hallway and pack our things away. I needed to get the boys’ coats on, our bonus kiddo in the stroller, and Marley buckled into her car seat. Today, each boy took off in opposite directions, Marley was crawling around in the hallway just as every ECFE class ended and parents and kids were getting ready to leave. I ran after our bonus kid while yelling down the other hallway for Beckett to come back. Marley was left crawling around in the middle of the hallway as traffic advanced to the doors. And… I wanted to scream in frustration. A teacher grabbed Beckett, and brought him back, I carried our bonus kiddo, kicking and screaming, to the stroller, and another teacher put Marley in her car seat. I feel so guilty for accepting the help. It makes me feel as if I can’t manage the three kids on my own. But, I’m getting better at accepting help. If it makes it so that I can go out and allow our kids and our bonus kids to experience life; to learn; to grow; to have fun with other kids, it’s okay. I can accept the help. I can accept the stares. I can accept the whispers.

As I finally got all of the kids to the car (two crying the whole way) and into their seats, I sat down in the driver’s seat, and I asked myself, “What am I doing? Should I even bother going to ECFE?” The enemy crept in. He stole my confidence. He stole my peace. He stole my ability to ignore what others may think about me and my parenting abilities. As I drove home, I reflected on my feelings, and a verse that has been calling to me lately came to mind, “I (we) don’t know what to do, but my (our) eyes are on you.” 2 Chronicles 20:12. I felt a sense of confidence return… no, I am not going to quit living our normal life. When we have a bonus kiddo with us, we carry on! We have fun! Yes, it can be hard, but the kids love to experience life. These are the truths that I know, and God reminded me of them as I drove home today. 

www.tfgood.org

Radical Love

Radical - relating to or affecting the fundamental nature of something; far-reaching or thorough. Thorough. Complete. Total. Entire. Absolute. Utter. Comprehensive. Exhaustive. Sweeping. Far-reaching. Extensive. Drastic. Severe. Major. Desperate. Rigorous. Profound.

Over the course of the past few months, God has been stripping my heart down. He's rebuilding and reshaping it with renewed eyes; renewed perspective; a renewed spirit.

We've been walking with vulnerable women and children since the end of 2014, and God chose these past three months to truly begin to humble me; to break my heart down; to open my eyes to truths that I had not been able to clearly see.

Over the course of the past three months, we've had three little people come in and out of our home. All three are right around Beckett's age (2). God has used these three little ones and their mommas to change my heart towards vulnerable women. God has stripped judgment from my broken heart and has opened up a door to an increased sense of love and compassion towards these women that we walk alongside.

One of the mommas we've walked with recently sent me a text that God used to deeply impact me. It brought me to tears and rocked me to my core. The last sentence of the text said this, "You are the best person ive met in so long not too many people like you and your husband and family." 

Now, please understand that I do not share this to glorify myself or our family. I share this to display God's work... to glorify our good God. Yes, we may volunteer to help families in crisis, but God is doing the real work. He crosses our paths with people who are changing our hearts. These women and babies are changing our life, all in His name.

This momma is young, she is beautiful, she is hard-working, and she loves her little boy. She wakes up in a shelter each morning, gets herself and her toddler ready, and gets both of them on public transportation, traveling from one major city to another in the metro so that she can go to trade school. She drops her son off at a daycare, goes to school for the entirety of the day. Then, she repeats her commute back to where they are staying. Every single day, she faces obstacles of which I have never, nor will I likely ever experience. As this momma and I discussed where I'd drop her son off to reunite the two, she mentioned in passing that the stroller she used to commute with her toddler had broken. Friends, at 10:30pm, I posted a request to our neighborhood Facebook page looking for an umbrella stroller that was no longer needed. Within approximately 5 minutes, I had two families offering me strollers. By morning, I had other messages offering to purchase strollers for this momma. That's the reality of the world I live in. It was so simple to find a stroller for this momma.

This beautiful momma asked Together for Good for help with her son while she solidified a place for them to safely sleep and to align all the paperwork needed for daycare. Because this momma asked Together for Good for help with her son, she received incredibly harsh comments from other women living around her at the shelter. She was told she was a bad mom. She was told that she wasn't raising her son properly. When she shared this with me, I cried. Why does it have to be so hard for this momma? Why does she have so many barriers to success stacked against her? Yet, every day she trudges on towards her goal - to make a better life for her and hers son.

I have been praying about God's theme for our life this year, and this past week, He gave me the words. 

RADICAL LOVE

God has drawn our family to a verse over and over again.  A couple of years ago, we named it our family verse: Mark 12:30-31 - "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Simply put: Love God. Love people.

Radical Love -  It's outside of the box love. It's messy and complicated. It surpasses our comfort-levels. It can hurt, but it can introduce others to the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ because HE loves us radically. His love is thorough. It's far-reaching, It's absolute. 

The Lord is breaking my heart for the circumstances of the vulnerable women we walk with. He is opening my eyes to the judgments of my heart, and He is miraculously breaking them down. He is changing me. He is opening the door to compassion. He is showing me that "black and white issues" are often grey. He is working in me, introducing me to a love that is extreme, and I am just trying to live a life following a God whose love is so great that it surpasses our understanding. I'm just a woman who receives radical love from our good and gracious God and because of this, I want to introduce others to this God and His radical love.

Marley Reese Byer - Her Birth Story

Well, it's been 9 months since we welcomed Marley Reese Byer into this world, and I have been meaning to share her birth story ever since. I think it's high time that I did it.

Marley Reese Byer was born to us on May 3rd, 2018. She was born into this world at a whopping 5 lbs. 14 oz. She was delivered via scheduled c-section at Fairview Ridges Hospital in Burnsville, where we delivered both Kylie and Beckett as well. Her delivery was scheduled at exactly 37 weeks gestation.

She cried.

And, it was the most beautiful sound we've ever heard.

Marley Reese was our third baby, and it was the first delivery in which we got to hear our baby cry. Dr. Haakenson pulled her out of me, brought her sweet, tiny body up to the clear plastic sheet in front of my face, and our baby girl started to scream. And then, I lost it. I sobbed and thanked our good and gracious God for a healthy baby girl. Until that very moment, the moment in which I got to see our baby wiggle around and hear her use her mighty lungs, fear and anxiety consumed me. It took just moments, and those feelings of intense worry that I had been battling for months dissipated.

No matter the way a baby is birthed, mommas, we are all strong. Natural, medicated, via surgery... it doesn't matter. What matters is that baby arrives in a healthy manner and that we mommas are healthy too. By God's grace, I will never again experience labor. The risk to my body and our babies is too great. Our c-section this time around went as smoothly as one can go, yet my OB sent my placenta to pathology as we are always trying to learn more about why we lost Kylie and why Beckett's birth was so disastrous. We learned that even with the precautions taken to prevent tragedy (baby aspirin, additional blood thinners, and frequent monitoring) there was micro-clotting in the vessels that attached my placenta to the uterine wall. What does this mean? Well, my placenta likely would have abrupted from the uterine wall yet again. This confirms that it was the correct decision to deliver at 37 weeks and that I should never again experience contractions. So, c-sections it is for me. I thank God for modern medicine. I may never have been able to be a mother to biological children otherwise.

Oh goodness, we are treated so well by our friends at Ridges. Upon our arrival, we did all the things one must do in preparation for surgery, and then we waited. What a weird feeling... knowing you are about to walk yourself to the OR, sit up on the table, be cut open, and handed your baby. Once Marley was born and checked over at the baby station in the OR, they laid her on my chest. She remained there for hours. I got to do (almost) immediate skin-to-skin with our baby girl on my chest. As soon as we arrived back on our recovery room from the OR, Marley nursed for the first time. I cried big old crocodile tears. These are things that I do not take for granted. These are things I never experienced after delivering our first two babies. What a joy it was to nurse our girl for the first time and to just lay in my bed with her on my chest.

We are so blessed by the incredible people who joined us on Marley's birth day. Because of her sister and brother, we had a team of unbelievable people with us in the OR. Both of the nurses who were with us when Kylie and Beckett were delivered joined us that day. Nickie and Emily have become sweet friends, and I am so thankful for them. Dale, the neonatal nurse practitioner who led the team that resuscitated Beckett for 18 minutes, joined us as well. He took over care for Marley Reese once she was delivered, and I felt such comfort in this act of kindness. Dr. Osborn, the anesthesiologist who assisted in the delivery of Beckett, came in on his vacation day for Marley's delivery. And, my OB, Dr. Haakenson, who has been with us since before Kylie passed, delivered our girl. I have so much trust in this woman. She is an incredibly skilled doctor who serves her patients with such compassion. We were so blessed by each and every person in the OR on May 3rd.

There was a period of time after I was given the spinal in which we were waiting for me to be fully numb. It's an odd and rather scary time in the OR. Patrick was still waiting in the hallway to be allowed to enter the room. I was numb, laying on the OR table with a whole lot of hustle and bustle going on around me. I physically didn't feel the greatest. I was filled with fear of what was to come. In those moments, Dale, the man who helped give us our son's life, walked over to me, and he placed his hand in mine. I remember letting out a deep breath, and just thinking to myself. "Thank you." God places each person right where they need to be at just the right moment.

Welcome to the world, Marley Reese Byer!

Just waiting to meet our baby girl

Nurse Emily and I before we met Marley Reese

Nurse Nickie and Dale before Marley joined us

Patrick, holding my hand as they began the procedure

I just love this picture of Marley as she is being pulled out of my womb and into the world.

Seeing our girl for the first time

Dale and Nickie, taking such good care of Marley

5 lbs. 14 oz.

Our girl!

First diaper

"Hi Daddy"

Our precious girl and her dad

Holding Marley Reese for the first time

So blessed

Back in our recovery room

A proud dad

 Nurse Nickie, who loves on us so well

Nurse Emily, who also loves on us so well

The BEST delivery nurses around!

Our sweet Kylie smiling down as the sun set on Marley's first day here on earth

These Hands

These hands. Each one of them represents a strong, courageous, faithful woman. Each one of them represents a woman walking the hard journey of pregnancy loss, infertility, or both. Each one of them represents grief. Each one of them represents hope.

One year ago this month, my dear friend and I walked through the doors of our church on the second Thursday of the month and hoped that one other woman would show up. We prayed that this group we had envisioned could help just one other woman. You see, my friend and I felt so alone when we sent our daughters to heaven far too soon. My dear friend walked years of infertility in isolation. God birthed a beautiful friendship between this friend and I. God moved in our times of grief. He called us into community, and together, He called us to build a community for women walking difficult journeys to motherhood.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother (sister) is born for a time of adversity.” – Proverbs 17:17

We are called to community. We are called to feel the grief and heaviness of one another’s burdens. We are called to talk about the hard stuff, to cry together, to laugh together, to be bonded together in this broken world. The fact of the matter is, so many women struggle to get pregnant; to carry their babies. So many women send their babies to heaven far too soon. So many women give birth to silent children, holding them for just a few fleeting moments on this earth. So many women spend years and years and an absurd amount of money trying to start their families. It’s heavy. It’s hard. Yet, we are still meant to walk these harsh roads in community with one another.

That first Thursday, three other women walked through the doors and sat at our table. These three women still faithfully come and sit in community together with us each month. Month over month, more women trickle into our community. This is a community in which no one wants to belong. It’s heavy and hard and sad, but it’s also filled with an incredible amount of hope. The wisdom that pours out of these women’s mouths, even in times of desperation, is incredible. God is moving.

We are seeing pregnancies after years of prayer and failed treatments, we are seeing relationships strengthened along this journey, we are seeing compassion and understanding that can only come from our God. We are seeing peace and joy in the midst of pain and sorrow. God is moving, even when we feel that we can’t see Him.

In 1 Corinthians, Paul says this of the Church, “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is part of it.”

Say the prayer. Send the text. Make the call. Give the word of encouragement He’s nudging you to give.

Both of my kids are napping. Both of them are napping AT THE SAME TIME. I kid you not, I just ran down the stairs. I ran down the stairs to sit at my computer to pour what I’m about to say down on paper. Why? Because God is incredible. Maybe one person will read it. I don’t know. I don’t really care. I feel compelled to write this down.

This morning, I awoke before 5. Marley (thank our good Lord) slept through the night, and I was feeling it. I woke her to eat so that I could be more comfortable. Then, I crept downstairs. I made myself a cup of coffee, lit a couple of candles. I felt the urge to update the budget, balance the check book, maybe download some pictures from my phone to the computer. But, I fought the urge. I felt the Holy Spirit calling me. I felt Him coaxing me to open my bible. To sit in the quiet with Him. And, this morning God spoke to me. No joke. He absolutely, one hundred percent met me right where I was at. I didn’t hear a whisper. I didn’t hear a low, booming voice from heaven (although I do believe He works that way too). Nope, the Holy Spirit crept into my mind and thoughts. He took hold of my heart attitude. He overcame me. I began to write in my journal. I wrote what the Holy Spirit filled my head space with. And here it is: “Be patient. Be obedient. I have you right where I want you right now. Trust me. Enjoy the ride. Raise these babes. Wipe butts. Feed. Teach. Hug. Kiss. Play. This is where you are called to be right now. Be present in it. Enjoy it. Minister to those around you, right now. Right where you’re at. This is my current season for you!”

God has met me before, many a times. He has ministered to a woman in the depths of grief. He has met me in begging for my son’s life. He has held me as I waited in fear for MRI results that may change the trajectory of the life we thought we were going to live. I have cried out, and He has answered. But, this morning was different. I wasn’t begging Him. I wasn’t pleading with Him. I am not in a season of crying out to our God for help. I am in a season of happiness. Of joy. Of peace. I am not wrestling with the fact that I am no longer in the corporate world. I am happy raising my babes at home. Sometimes I wonder what action I need to take for the “next step” – in motherhood, in family planning, in faith, in leadership. But, I didn’t bring that to the Lord this morning. No, this morning He called out to me through the Holy Spirit.

In those moments this morning, I felt an overwhelming sense of faith in the unknown. I felt excitement that I don’t know what God’s plans are for my life, but they are amazing. I have no idea where He will lead me in this life, but what I do know is that it’s going to be good… really good.

This is not where the Holy Spirit stopped moving today though (well He never really stops moving, does He?). I received a text message from a dear friend. This woman and I are bound together through our babes in heaven. I responded to her and said this: “I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me this morning about my life. So much joy, hope, and peace about my future and right now in this very moment. Obedience. Live in the now. Enjoy it. He is working and has plans for me that I don’t even know about.” Through a series of Voxer messages, it was revealed that she awoke early this morning as well. The Holy Spirit was speaking to her ABOUT THE EXACT SAME THING. Peace in the future. Peace in the unknown. She felt an overwhelming sense of peace wash over her this morning regarding her future; a peace she has not felt in a long time. A peace that only our God can provide.

Another text message was sent to a woman I do life with. She is walking out a calling in her life that is taking her places she never thought she’d be. I said this to her: “Your faith and actions are working together, and your faith is being made complete by what you are doing (just like Abraham’s). (James 2:22) 10 years ago, I’m sure you never would have dreamed this is where you’d be in life. It wasn’t even a blip of a thought in your mind. And, look how God has transformed your life?! I see you step out in faith… taking one step, then another, then another in obedience. That gives me such excitement for the future and where He will take me!” Her response was astounding. The day before, she had just taken another step in obedience. It was overwhelming. It was hard. This text message that the Holy Spirit nudged me to send was a gift from God straight to her heart. He speaks through US, you guys!

Why do I share this? I’m not exactly sure… because the Holy Spirit urged me to. He gave me the words. Maybe one person will find encouragement in this today.

Say the prayer. Send the text. Make the call. Give the word of encouragement He’s nudging you to give. Our God is there. He’s working in us, around us, and through us.

Happy Tuesday, Friends!