"I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you."

The stares. The looks. There are days that I am able to brush them off my shoulder, and move on. My confidence in my abilities isn’t dampened. I just lift my chin up and carry on.

Today was not one of those days. I took B, M, and our bonus kiddo to our ECFE class this morning. To be quite honest, it went pretty well, but the enemy crept into my mind and heart after leaving the school. I felt deflated, and I questioned if I should even take the kids to ECFE class week in and week out.

There are a few parents in the class that I don’t know well. I haven’t really taken the opportunity to explain why I have extra kiddos with me sometimes. I can see that they don’t understand our situation, and I get a lot of “looks” as I try to parent three separate children in public. Our teachers, and the ECFE program have been amazing. They allow me to bring our bonus kids with me to class. Some of the kids who stay with us are very easy to take out and about. They listen well, follow directions, and transition from one activity to another with ease. And, some do not. It’s okay! All children are different, and all have a different set of experiences that they bring with them (including my own kids). Many days, the Lord gives me the strength and ability to notice the looks I receive and move on. Many days, I am able to stay calm, and deal with each difficult situation with patience (trust me, many times there is outward patience displayed and inward explosion – I am NOT super human, people). Many days, the whispers and glances don’t bother me. Again, today wasn’t one of those days.

Today, ECFE class actually went quite well, but as we got ready to leave, I had to take all three kids into the hallway and pack our things away. I needed to get the boys’ coats on, our bonus kiddo in the stroller, and Marley buckled into her car seat. Today, each boy took off in opposite directions, Marley was crawling around in the hallway just as every ECFE class ended and parents and kids were getting ready to leave. I ran after our bonus kid while yelling down the other hallway for Beckett to come back. Marley was left crawling around in the middle of the hallway as traffic advanced to the doors. And… I wanted to scream in frustration. A teacher grabbed Beckett, and brought him back, I carried our bonus kiddo, kicking and screaming, to the stroller, and another teacher put Marley in her car seat. I feel so guilty for accepting the help. It makes me feel as if I can’t manage the three kids on my own. But, I’m getting better at accepting help. If it makes it so that I can go out and allow our kids and our bonus kids to experience life; to learn; to grow; to have fun with other kids, it’s okay. I can accept the help. I can accept the stares. I can accept the whispers.

As I finally got all of the kids to the car (two crying the whole way) and into their seats, I sat down in the driver’s seat, and I asked myself, “What am I doing? Should I even bother going to ECFE?” The enemy crept in. He stole my confidence. He stole my peace. He stole my ability to ignore what others may think about me and my parenting abilities. As I drove home, I reflected on my feelings, and a verse that has been calling to me lately came to mind, “I (we) don’t know what to do, but my (our) eyes are on you.” 2 Chronicles 20:12. I felt a sense of confidence return… no, I am not going to quit living our normal life. When we have a bonus kiddo with us, we carry on! We have fun! Yes, it can be hard, but the kids love to experience life. These are the truths that I know, and God reminded me of them as I drove home today. 

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