I’ve been mulling over this blog post for some time now.
There have been a lot of emotions passing through my mind and heart this past
month, and I feel the need to get them onto paper.
My verse of today is Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with
all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
My monthly friend was kind enough to join me today… and it
was heartbreaking. I took 4 pregnancy
tests leading up to this day in hopes that one of them would show that faint
positive line. I prayed and prayed and prayed for a positive pregnancy test,
but a pregnancy isn't in God’s plan for us this month. No, Patrick doesn't know
that I actually took 4 pregnancy tests (well, he will now) as I’m a bit
embarrassed and it is a ridiculous waste of money, but I know that man has
thrown plenty of grace my way these past four months, and I know he will
continue to gift me more grace as each day passes. He understands the way I am
and how I need to deal with things. He understands that better patience is
something I am striving for and something I pray for each day, but he also
understands that sometimes I need some grace on that front.
I’m sure some of you think this is way over-sharing which I know that it is. I have shared some of our very personal life events and
thoughts on this blog, and I will continue to do so as sharing is truly
therapeutic for me. My hopes and prayers for this blog is that it helps someone
who is reading it. As I've stated over and over again, if I can help one person
the way that Alexis has helped me and continues to help me walk through the
journey of losing our sweet daughter, I will be so grateful.
August was an interesting month packed full of varying
emotions. Leading up to Kylie’s due date, I was incredibly anxious. I felt
unsettled and sad. On one hand, I felt like I was waiting for a date to pass
and that something would change once August 17th passed us by. On
the other hand, I felt like nothing would change once that date passed. After
all, it’s just a date. As August 17th came and went, I did feel a
change although it was not immediate. A few days later, at work, it dawned on
me. I felt “normal.” I felt more or less like my old self. I felt happy, and I didn't feel guilty about it. As that happiness remains, there are also
agonizing moments of sadness and grief. There are moments that I cry and scream
in sadness when just hours before I enjoyed an evening with family or had danced with my husband and
friends at a wedding. That is the roller coaster ride of grief.
As time passes, I do feel more and more like my “old self”
but with a new twist. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I
know the hole is there, I know it will never be filled, and I’m okay with this.
My trust and reliance on our Lord has grown immensely. I seek and find my
comfort in Him daily. I make time to spend with Him each morning, and as a
couple, Patrick and I find time for Him together each evening, for I can see
the difference it makes in my life and our life together. My relationship with
my husband is on a different level. There are no words to pray that can explain
my gratefulness to God for that man. My empathy and feelings towards others
going through something is completely different. I understand what true sadness
and grief is, and I feel I can truly give the grace and love that those people deserve. Grief isn't just
something one experiences during a loss of another human being. I have realized
that one can feel grief for so many reasons; when walking through the illness
of a family member, when experiencing a difficult life-changing diagnosis, when
facing a change in a relationship with someone close to the heart, or
experiencing month after month of negative pregnancy tests without answers.
I am also learning that while someone can seem happy and
truly is happy, it does not mean that they don’t have difficult moments. I
believe that so often as humans we want to fix something for someone. We want
them to get better, to be happy, to be “themselves.” I have so often been
guilty of this. Sometimes, when someone seems better, we forget that some
things might still be so difficult for them. People like to say, “Time heals
all wounds.” I absolutely know that people say this with the best of
intentions, but no, time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds will never be
healed until the day was meet Jesus at heaven’s gates.
I leave you with another comforting verse tonight, and hopeful, joyous thoughts because our God is so good, and His plans are truly so much better than our own.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
A picture we captured the weekend before Kylie's due date as the sun set after running our first leg of Ragnar
