It Gets Easier

Just a like a habit… it gets easier.

Saying “yes” gets easier.

Listening for God’s voice gets easier.

Opening our home and hearts to another child gets easier.

Breaking routine to pick up a child, flexibility in naps, sleeping schedule changes, texting our peeps to let them know an extra will be with us… it all gets easier with time. It has become the norm in our life. It’s what we do in this season. We get the emails, we feel called, and we say, “Yes.” The pack and play comes back out, the night light is plugged in, and the sound machine is placed just so (this is new to our routine… praise Jesus). Now, the extra booster seat just stays in its place at the counter. The third car seat is now a fixture in the back seat of the minivan. I could probably maneuver myself into a size 4 diaper for a short amount of time… kidding, but a desperate momma can make any size diaper work for a child for a short amount of time. A variety of types of sippy cups are stored in the cupboard because who knows what a child is used to drinking out of. The freezer, fridge, and pantry are stocked with hot dogs, chicken nuggets, meat balls, mac & cheese, applesauce pouches, and veggie straws because we have found that every kid will eat at least one of these foods. Travel-sized bags of snacks are at the ready when driving to do pick up and drop off. And, Target drive-up is my saving grace.

As we step out in faith, God makes it easier to do so. He has made me more comfortable with the unknown… we don’t know what the bio-mom’s situation will be, we don’t know how the child will react to our home, we don’t always know the exact day a child will return to his or her mom, we don’t know how the child will sleep… the list of unknowns is long. But, He removes the fear. He opens my heart and mind to flexibility and understanding, and when it’s hard (because I’m not going to lie and tell you that it’s not), He reminds me why we do this.

Our extra, raising a hallelujah with me this morning in worship of our awesome God. 

These moments take my breath away.

Raise a Hallelujah

Self Doubt

I would consider myself a fairly confident person. I enjoy a good conversation (okay, if you know me, you know I love to talk); I am comfortable with the fact that I most often wear no make-up and workout clothes (gotta be ready for a workout whenever I get the chance, right? – or is it that leggings are just so darn comfortable…); I embrace my out-going, loud, blunt personality.

But, there are times that:

I begin to doubt myself, doubt my abilities, feel insecure about what I know God has called me to – motherhood; friendships; walking with women experiencing pregnancy loss, infant loss, or infertility; hosting kids in our home and being involved with the ministry we care so deeply for.

“It’s too much. Look at you trying to contain 3 small children in public. They’re too loud. Even at church – they run too crazy, they’re too wild. Why aren’t you keeping them quiet?”

“I said the wrong things. Did I talk too much? Did I say too little? Did I offend someone? Should I have asked for an update from that woman? What if she didn’t want to share? Did my prayers capture everyone’s requests, circumstances, and needs?”

STOP.

What is my heart attitude? Are my intentions pure? Do I desire to advance the kingdom of God? Do I rest in our good and gracious God? Am I responding to a calling I feel he’s placed on my heart? Am I trying to be obedient? Who am I glorifying? – God or myself? If I know the answers to these questions point to Him, then… BREATHE. Let go of the worries and anxieties. Sure, I will make mistakes, but if my heart attitude is right, I know that I’m being obedient to Christ. I am human. I’m not perfect. I will make mistakes. I may offend someone. I may not handle a situation in the best manner. But, there’s grace for that.

I know I’m not the only one who wrestles with self-doubt. I have a feeling that many of us (ehem – women) do. Lately, God has reminded me to examine what I like to call my “heart attitude.” If I know, deep within, that my intentions are pure and come from a place of love (God’s love), then I’ve been able to let go of the doubt that has crept in. I’ve been able to regain my confidence, knowing that my actions are God-honoring.

You are chosen – God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 1 Peter 2:9

Momming these two precious miracles

"I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you."

The stares. The looks. There are days that I am able to brush them off my shoulder, and move on. My confidence in my abilities isn’t dampened. I just lift my chin up and carry on.

Today was not one of those days. I took B, M, and our bonus kiddo to our ECFE class this morning. To be quite honest, it went pretty well, but the enemy crept into my mind and heart after leaving the school. I felt deflated, and I questioned if I should even take the kids to ECFE class week in and week out.

There are a few parents in the class that I don’t know well. I haven’t really taken the opportunity to explain why I have extra kiddos with me sometimes. I can see that they don’t understand our situation, and I get a lot of “looks” as I try to parent three separate children in public. Our teachers, and the ECFE program have been amazing. They allow me to bring our bonus kids with me to class. Some of the kids who stay with us are very easy to take out and about. They listen well, follow directions, and transition from one activity to another with ease. And, some do not. It’s okay! All children are different, and all have a different set of experiences that they bring with them (including my own kids). Many days, the Lord gives me the strength and ability to notice the looks I receive and move on. Many days, I am able to stay calm, and deal with each difficult situation with patience (trust me, many times there is outward patience displayed and inward explosion – I am NOT super human, people). Many days, the whispers and glances don’t bother me. Again, today wasn’t one of those days.

Today, ECFE class actually went quite well, but as we got ready to leave, I had to take all three kids into the hallway and pack our things away. I needed to get the boys’ coats on, our bonus kiddo in the stroller, and Marley buckled into her car seat. Today, each boy took off in opposite directions, Marley was crawling around in the hallway just as every ECFE class ended and parents and kids were getting ready to leave. I ran after our bonus kid while yelling down the other hallway for Beckett to come back. Marley was left crawling around in the middle of the hallway as traffic advanced to the doors. And… I wanted to scream in frustration. A teacher grabbed Beckett, and brought him back, I carried our bonus kiddo, kicking and screaming, to the stroller, and another teacher put Marley in her car seat. I feel so guilty for accepting the help. It makes me feel as if I can’t manage the three kids on my own. But, I’m getting better at accepting help. If it makes it so that I can go out and allow our kids and our bonus kids to experience life; to learn; to grow; to have fun with other kids, it’s okay. I can accept the help. I can accept the stares. I can accept the whispers.

As I finally got all of the kids to the car (two crying the whole way) and into their seats, I sat down in the driver’s seat, and I asked myself, “What am I doing? Should I even bother going to ECFE?” The enemy crept in. He stole my confidence. He stole my peace. He stole my ability to ignore what others may think about me and my parenting abilities. As I drove home, I reflected on my feelings, and a verse that has been calling to me lately came to mind, “I (we) don’t know what to do, but my (our) eyes are on you.” 2 Chronicles 20:12. I felt a sense of confidence return… no, I am not going to quit living our normal life. When we have a bonus kiddo with us, we carry on! We have fun! Yes, it can be hard, but the kids love to experience life. These are the truths that I know, and God reminded me of them as I drove home today. 

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