It was like I was a kid again, riding home on the school bus
on Halloween knowing as soon as I got home my mom would have our costumes at
the ready, a snack to eat, and we’d be off to the neighborhood Halloween party
where a group of 20 kids would eat pizza, read a Halloween book, and eat way
too many sweets before trick-or-treating with our best friends…
This past week, we set up most of our nursery. We have a few
finishing touches to add here in the coming weeks, but Patrick has worked so
hard on readying the walls of the nursery. Bless him as this project was way
more work than we initially thought! On Wednesday, he told me we could “probably”
set up the crib that evening when I got home from work. He knows me too well…
he wouldn’t tell me this unless he was planning on setting up the crib that
evening because I would have asked (like a child) about it until he made it
happen. The man has the patience of a saint.
On the way home from work, I was giddy; so excited that we
were finally at the point of readying our little boy’s room. I felt an
overwhelming sense of gratefulness and excitement to be at this point in our
pregnancy. Our sweet boy is due to arrive in less than 7 weeks. What I didn’t
expect from the evening was the rollercoaster of emotions both Patrick and I
felt.
Patrick was just beginning to pull the tape off the walls
when I arrived home. I brought Beckett’s mattress with me that I picked up at
the store on my way home from work. Then, I began to unpack our spare room
closet. I pulled out some of the items I have purchased for Beckett during this
pregnancy. I started to pull out the diapers I purchased during our pregnancy
with Kylie, and finally, I unburied the crib that we had stuck in the back of
the closet. A sense of sadness creeped over me as I stared at the pieces of the
beautiful crib we picked out over a year and a half ago. I pushed the sadness
down. I busied myself carrying the crib pieces into the nursery. Patrick put
the crib together, and we pushed the dresser from the spare room into the
nursery. The dresser too had sat against the wall in the spare room since the
week after Kylie passed away.
We continued to set up the nursery. The emotions were
building for both of us, we just didn’t talk about it. As good married couples
do, we argued about where all of the pieces of furniture would go. We don’t
have our glider quite yet, and we spent some time discussing where the glider
would fit into the room. I lost my cool, took Zailey for a walk in the rain,
and cried. When I returned home, both of us began to verbally recognize the
sadness that walked right beside the joy of finally setting up Beckett's nursery. We
had both longed and waited for this day. We had waited until third trimester to
work on the nursery this time. You see, just before Kylie passed away, Patrick
had painted the nursery closet and redid the shelves. It was so difficult to put
everything away in the week after we returned from the hospital.
That evening, as we set up the crib and moved Beckett’s
nursery furniture into place, we both felt a sense of sadness. We couldn’t help
but think about how all of it was supposed to be for Kylie. The feelings of
sadness, excitement, and joy are conflicting. But, that’s okay. Just as God
guided us through our time of deep grief last year, He continues to faithfully
guide us through the emotions of our pregnancy with Beckett.
