Kylie Ryann's Story - Gentle Gestures

My Dear Friend,

There are so many other things I want to thank you for, but this is what is on my heart tonight. Thank you for the chocolate covered strawberries you sent me for Mother’s Day. Truth be told, when I received them I told Patrick I didn’t want them. They made me cry. They made me mourn even harder for my daughter. As I reflect on this gentle, kind gesture, I am so grateful. I cry as I write this. I am so grateful for the passive, thoughtful gesture and for recognizing me as Kylie’s mother. As time passes and I talk to others about our daughter, with all the best intentions people tell me how strong I am, how I am going to make a great mother. But, I am a mother. I am Kylie’s mother. I carried her in my womb. I felt her kick. I loved her more than words can describe. So, I want to take these brief moments to let you know how grateful I am for your friendship and for your support. That gesture means so much to me.

With Love, Ericka

Kylie Ryann's Story - Grief

Grief is an interesting feeling. Sometimes I feel like I’m healing, I’m moving forward, it doesn't hurt so bad. Then, it just hits. It hits me like a bus going 65 miles per hour. It’s the feeling that there is a hole in my heart. Someone is gripping my heart and squeezing, and squeezing, and squeezing… it. hurts. so. bad. 

After Kylie passed away, those first few weeks were so, so hard. There was so much grief in almost every moment of every day. Then, each day began to feel a little bit better. Finally, when someone asked me how I was I could honestly say, “pretty good” instead of what had become my normal response, “I’m okay.”  I wasn't “pretty good” all the time, but much of the day I truly was doing “pretty good.”

Patrick and I both went back to work a week and a half after having Kylie. I know it seems soon, but I could not just sit at home while Patrick was at work. I couldn't sit at home alone with my grief.  I needed a routine. I needed to enter “real life” again. Going back to work was hard, but it helped me continue to heal. Integrating back into the social world was very difficult but was good for me. During the week and a half following Kylie’s birth, Patrick and I only went outside to walk Zailey (our dog) very early in the morning. We shut our garage door precisely upon entering the garage if we had journeyed out. It was so painful to imagine explaining our loss of Kylie to our neighbors. In the second week upon returning to work, we took one more day off to have Kylie’s memorial. After that, we planned our trip to Maui, I filled our social calendar, and we had some follow-up doctors’ appointments. Keeping busy helps me cope. It gives me other things to focus on - food to prepare, plans to be made, a house to clean, a calendar to manage.

We thoroughly enjoyed our trip to Maui. Throughout the trip, I said to Patrick over and over that “vacation is good for the soul.” It is. For me, it’s a break from real life. I don’t have to think about work, clean our house, do laundry, mow our lawn, talk to anyone except my husband, or commute. It’s amazing. I cried when I wanted to, I laughed when I wanted to, I slept when I wanted to. It was healing.

After returning from Maui we went up north for the weekend with extended family. It was so much fun. I had looked forward to Maui and our weekend up north. But now what? I am back at work. The craziness has died down. Grief has hit me like a bus this week. Today I would have been almost 36 weeks pregnant with our daughter. She’d almost be full term. I am supposed to be huge and uncomfortable and ready to be done being pregnant.  I was supposed to have two baby showers in the next couple of weeks. As our due date approaches, I am filled with such an intense sense of loss. I feel like I’m regressing. Each day and night is hard again, so hard. I sob, not cry, but sob. It had been weeks since I've sobbed. I fully accept that this is part of our journey. There will be times that are more difficult than others. Going forward, I know that my grief management will improve and then regress again. My continued prayers are for peace and comfort, and I know that God always provides.

Kylie Ryann's Story - Maui

Now, I know this is a bit out of order as I haven't written about the day Kylie was born, but I want to share this part of her story now.

On June 30, 2015, exactly two months after our daughter's birthday, Patrick and I spread our sweet Kylie's ashes off the coast of Maui in the Pacific Ocean. It was just after sunset.

It's hard to decide when or how to do something like this. There's no guidebook telling us what to do.

On Kylie's birthday the social worker from the hospital asked us what we'd like to do with our daughter's remains. I hate that phrase... "remains." I hate so many of the words used to describe Kylie's passing. I hate the words "death" and "demise." I prefer "passing away" or "born with her soul already in heaven." I hate the phrase "still born." I prefer saying that Kylie passed before she was born. I also don't mind the phrase "silent birth," but I prefer my former statement. I guess it's just one way I cope. I like things to sound "prettier" and less morbid if that makes any sense at all. 

Patrick and I had to discuss what we wanted to do with our daughter's body even before we gave birth and held her in our arms. Alexis, my friend who shared her son's story with us, told us about this conversation we'd have to have with the hospital staff. Patrick and I had briefly discussed our options the night before going to the hospital, but we had no idea what the right option for our daughter was. It was just too much to dive into that conversation even before going to the hospital to be induced.

When the social worker brought up the topic, we didn't make our decision right away. As the day progressed, Patrick and I talked about it off and on. I just couldn't fathom our daughter's tiny body in an infant casket. I couldn't fathom picking a burial plot. I couldn't fathom burying her in the ground. "What if we move?" I said. It's true. I couldn't imagine my daughter buried in a cemetery in Lakeville and us moving across the country, but deep down I think that was just an excuse I used. I truly could not imagine having a funeral for our daughter and burying her. Again, as I have been so clear about as I write this blog. This is our story. Some people find so much comfort in having a place to go where their child is buried, and that is a beautiful thing. I just knew it was not the right decision for us.

We decided to have Kylie cremated. We made no official arrangements on the day of her birth. It was just too difficult. The social worker handed us a folder with a bunch of grief material inside. Included in the materials was a list of funeral homes we could work with. Looking at that list made me sob. I hated that we had to do this. I hated that we had to make these calls. On Kylie's birthday, we decided to focus on labor and her birth. I mentioned to Patrick that maybe we could give the list to my mom, and she could make the calls. At the end of our hospital stay, we decided to just get the funeral home arrangement-making over with. I remembered that Alexis and her husband had the foresight to choose a funeral home in a different city, one they would not have to drive by, ever. I don't think I would have even thought about location without her mentioning this. This is yet another reason I'm so grateful for Alexis sharing her son's story with us. We chose a funeral home in Shakopee. It was literally the first funeral home to call us back just after I called. I was on the phone with them for less than 2 minutes and had the arrangements made. The man was so kind. He told me he'd take care of everything. I remember having to tell him what happened to our daughter, to explain that we had our daughter at 22 weeks and 3 days (I thought at the time) and that she had already passed away. It was awful to have to choke out those words.

After arriving home from the hospital, we ordered Kylie's box. Yes, it's an infant urn, but "urn" is another morbid word that I hate using. I didn't want a stone urn. It was too depressing for me to handle. Patrick and I decided to have the wooden box engraved. The box says:

Kylie Ryann Byer

Born an Angel to this earth April 30, 2015

Our Baby Girl, we will join you in eternal life in heaven one day

This was yet another painful task that had to be completed. It pained me to look up infant urns on the internet. It literally felt like someone was grabbing hold of my heart and squeezing so that I could barely swallow, breath, or speak. When Kylie's box arrived a week later, we were very pleased with it. It has become a beautiful keepsake, representing Kylie's life here on this earth.

The funeral home was wonderful to work with. Walking into the building was difficult for me. Patrick held my hand the entire time we were there to sign our paperwork. Once we were finished and back out at the car, he held me as I sobbed into his shoulder. I remember feeling strong as we drove there but that it was much more difficult than I thought it would be to look at those papers with our daughter's name on them and to sign papers allowing her to be cremated. Once Kylie had been cremated, we brought her box there. They put her tiny amount of ashes into the box and we brought it home.

I thought it would be weird to have our daughter's ashes in a box at our home, but it wasn't. I'm not sure why I thought it would be. We had decided that we didn't want to keep her ashes in her box at our home. We decided that we wanted to spread her ashes somewhere in the world, somewhere beautiful.

We decided that we'd take a vacation that we'd otherwise not have taken this summer with a baby due in August. We decided that Maui, Hawaii was the right destination for us. It was a very relaxing, healing trip. Patrick and I spent time, just the two of us. I'm glad we waited a couple of months before going. We are able to feel joy again. For a while after Kylie's birth, I had a very hard time imagining the feeling of pure joy again. I definitely feel joy, it's just a little bit different than it used to be. It's not quite so pure anymore, but that's ok. It's part of our journey here on this earth. Life is messy, but God always provides. As I sit here writing during my quiet time this morning, our last morning in Maui, I read Psalm 33:8. "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." And Psalm 33:10 "...the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts him." God has guided us throughout this entire journey of Kylie's life, passing, birth, and thereafter. Kylie's tiny life has taught me to "lay it down," to truly lay it down. Lay my life down at His feet. Let Him take control. It's freeing, truly. I have never trusted in the Lord the way I do right now in this very moment.

During our vacation, on June 30, we spread our daughter's ashes in the ocean. We took photos of Kylie's box at sunset. We wanted to have something to remember that evening by. Just after sunset we walked the beach, just down from our condo in Kahana, Maui. We walked to the end of the beach. On the beach, my husband held me and her small bag of ashes that we removed from her box. We cried together. We prayed together. We walked out into the ocean and together we spread her ashes. The waves carried them out to sea. It was a healing experience. I feel like it was the last physical thing that we needed to do on this journey. This journey is nowhere near over. It won't be over until we meet our daughter in heaven someday, but it is another step in the healing process.