Beckett Mason Byer is one. Our baby is one.

Beckett Mason Byer is one. Our baby is one.

Tears stream and stream and stream as I write this. Tears of gratefulness, tears of joy, tears because I’m undeserving, tears for the memories, tears for God’s mercy, tears for God’s compassion, tears for God’s unending love.

It is never, ever lost on me that our son is a miracle. The fact that we get to raise him; it’s a gift. It is because God intervened that Beckett Mason is here with us today. It is because God protected him that he is developmentally absolutely normal. It is because God managed every moment, every decision, every medical professional on November 12, 2016 and in the days after. He heard every cry, every scream, every prayer we prayed that night. I continue to pray the same prayer over Beckett that I screamed to God as we rolled into the OR that night. “Lord, please protect our son.” Such a simple prayer, yet those words are the most powerful words I’ve ever spoken. In the hours before I could be transferred to be with Beckett, the Holy Spirit continually reminded me, “God is good all the time. All the time He is good.” Over and over, these words played in my head. The presence of God was tangible on the night of Beckett’s birth and in our days spent in the NICU.

We were just back at the University of Minnesota for a one-year checkup for Beckett with our neonatal physician. Beckett also underwent a developmental assessment with the team. He is completely on track developmentally. Praise our good God. We were told that they have never assessed a child who’s APGAR score at birth was a 0, much less one who’s APGAR score was 0 and assessed as a completely normal 12 month old. When specialists in the medical field look at you and tell you that there is no medical explanation for Beckett’s case and that he truly is a miracle, it is utterly overwhelming.

Why do I share this? To glorify our good God. He is good. All the time, He is good. Through the valleys, He is good. In the best of times, He is good. He is faithful. He loves us. He is compassionate. He is merciful.

Psalm 145:10-12 – “All your works praise you, Lord; your faithful people extol you. They tell of the glory of your kingdom and speak of your MIGHT, so that all people may know of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.”

Today, we celebrate our birthday boy, and we praise our good God for the biggest blessing in our life, Beckett Mason Byer.

Beckett Mason's First Days of Life:

Our Big One Year Old (photography credit goes to Antonia Kay Photography (http://antonia-balliet.squarespace.com)):

A Letter to NICU Nurses

NICU nurses… I’m almost speechless as I reflect on my gratefulness for men and women like you. The emotional weight of your job overwhelms me. You see some truly miraculous things, but you also see devastatingly hard things. You nourish and care for teeny tiny babies for months until they can go home. You give your blood, sweat, and tears for your patients and their families to give them one more day, one more hour, a few more minutes. I saw you running through the halls of the NICU, I saw you work hours past the time your shift had ended, I saw you rush off on a transport call to save another baby just like you did mine, I saw you leaning against the hallway wall because it had just been a really tough week for you. While my entire world was wrapped up within the 4 walls of that NICU for 11 days, you acted like yours did as well… but then you went home to care for your own babies.

NICU nurses, you literally kept my baby alive. I handed over his life to you from the moment he entered this world. You did what I could not do. You saved my baby. Then, you nurtured him until I could do so on my own.

Then, there’s us; the man and woman that stand next to the bed of the baby you are giving your all to. We are new parents. We are devastated. We are lost. We are scared. We are worried. Our world is laying on that tiny bed, hooked up to what seems like a million machines. We are on auto-pilot, doing the next thing we are supposed to do. You, amazing nurses of the NICU, give us hope, you give us peace, you give us comfort. You come along-side families like ours and bless us with your care for our babies. You bless us with reassurance. You bless us with hope. We are incredibly grateful for you.

Nurse R, 

We will be forever grateful for you. You are a seasoned nurse. You are a realistic optimist. You called out the good things you were seeing, but you didn’t give us false hope. You were perfect. All of our nurses were wonderful, but Nurse R, we waited for you to come on shift. When you walked into the nursery, my heart felt at rest, my nerves eased, I breathed a sigh of relief. We know you have worked in the NICU for a very long time and because of that, we could see your amazing instincts. The way you loved our boy was stunning. You fought for him; you fought for us. You loved on us, and when it came time for us to walk out of the four walls of the NICU, you celebrated with us. You walked with us to our car. You waved at our family as we drove away with our son to live the life you helped to give us. There are not words to thank you for what you did for our family.

National Nurses Week 2017: Part 1

It’s National Nurses Week, and while I cannot offer free Cinnabon to all the amazing nurses who have impacted our lives over the course of the past couple of years, I can pay tribute to these beautiful women in writing. I want to share some of the sentiments I have previously shared with these amazing women. Why?! Because they deserve this recognition and so much more. They get up every day and serve others. They save lives; they change lives. Nurses, we are so thankful for you!

Our letter to the Labor and Delivery nurses on Kylie’s second birthday (April 30, 2017):

Nurses of Labor and Delivery,

You are such dears. You walk with so many mommies and daddies on the most joyous or the most difficult days of their lives. You provide physical, mental, emotional, and literal support for so many while they are here with you. And you know what? You so often don’t get the thanks you deserve. We know you cry with you patients, laugh with your patients, pray for your patients, and show God’s love for people you don’t even know. You get yelled at, cried at, and complained at. You get peed on, pooped on, and other ick I won’t even mention. Yet, you do your best. You give your best to every patient.

You save lives. Think about it. At times, even when the circumstances are not dire, you give parents their child’s life. You caught something early enough, you made one small change; YOU, dear nurses give life. You give families their children, a gift in which there are no words of thanks that will ever be enough.

Then, there are days when there’s nothing you can do to save a baby. They are already in heaven with Jesus. They are too small to survive. Those days you show up, and you still give your best. You bear the emotional weight of walking with a family who is experiencing the worst day of their life. Know that you are enough. If you give your best, you will be exactly who that family needs.

When you don’t feel appreciated. When you are exhausted and feel as if you cannot last just one more minute of the day or night, when you are torn down and emotionally drained, please think of our Kylie Ryann. Think about the gifts you have given our family. You gave us the amazing memories we have of our daughter. Her life has impacted so many because of how you treated us on the day she was born. We know that God gave us such a gift in delivering Kylie at Ridges. All that has transpired since then and in the birth of her baby brother, we know God intended us to know you, dear nurses. You have impacted our life in ways we could never have fathomed. You walked with us in the most difficult moments of our life. You rejoiced with us in the best this life has given us. You helped us mourn the loss of one child and saved our other child. Know that we think of you all often. We pray for you. We are so grateful you chose to be a labor and delivery nurse. Thank you.

Jen, Nickie, and Sara, we will never forget the memories you gave us two years ago today and how you treated our baby girl. Thank you.

With so much love,

The Byer Family – Patrick, Ericka, Beckett, and our angel baby, Kylie Ryann (4/30/2015)

Happy 2nd Birthday, Kylie Ryann

Happy birthday, our sweet Kylie Ryann. Two years ago today, we held you in our arms. Up in heaven today you are celebrating your second birthday! We are celebrating your life here on earth, our baby girl.

As I reflect on your life today, oh my goodness. I cannot articulate how blessed we are by you and your short time with us here on earth. A year ago, I could see the blessings you brought to this world. One more year has come and gone. I cry tears of gratefulness as I write this letter to you. God has given us such a gift in allowing us to see how your life has impacted so many here on earth. He continues to use your life to show His goodness.

We will always miss you, our baby girl. Your daddy and I laid in bed last night, looking at our pictures we have of you. We cried tears for you. We now hold your baby brother in our arms each and every day. I look at him and wonder if you would have had the same chubby cheeks and glorious smile. I wonder if your eyes would have been blue. I believe that you may have turned him back to earth on the night of his birth, our dear sweet girl. If that’s the case, from the bottom of your mommy’s heart, thank you. I know he joined you in heaven for 18 minutes. I wonder if you hugged your brother and then told him that his mommy and daddy need him here on earth. What a wonderful big sister you are.

Today we will bring baked goods to the labor and delivery unit at the hospital where you were born to honor your life. We will walk out to your garden and admire the beautiful flowers blooming on your tree. I’ll hold your tiny hat and remember what you looked like wearing it. I’ll hug your blanket close and remember the way you looked wrapped in it. We will share your pictures with your brother. He will always know of his angel sister.

Kylie Ryann, you have blessed your mommy and daddy more than we ever could have imagined. We love you so much. Happy birthday, baby girl.

Love, Mommy & Daddy

________________________________________________________________________

As I reflect on Kylie’s life and all she’s given us over the course of these past two years, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

Last Sunday I went to a Sisterhood Night at a nearby church with “Nurse Nickie.” As I drove to the event, I reflected on the day Kylie was born. I remember wondering that day if Nickie believed in God. I wondered if she believed that our baby girl was in heaven with Jesus. On the afternoon of that day, we were playing the song, “Holy Spirit” in our hospital room. I remember that Nickie came into the room, and I turned the music off because I was not sure what she would think. This past Sunday, I told her this.  Nickie shared with me that as she came on shift that day, she was concerned. She was concerned that she wouldn’t be what we needed her to be that day. She cried tears in worry that she would not be enough for us. She shared that Nurse Jen, our nurse when we arrived at the hospital, told her that God would allow her to be what we needed that day. As I think about that day and the events that have transpired over the last two years, all I see is God’s work; God’s amazing plan playing out. God specifically handpicked those women to be our nurses on the day Kylie was born. He allowed them to speak words of truth to one another. He gave them the strength and the wisdom to be exactly who we needed as we delivered our sweet baby girl and grieved over her. As I try to so often remind myself, God knows not just today’s story, He knows the whole story. You see, our story is already written. God already knows it. What peace that provides.

Nickie and I kept in contact after Kylie’s birth. Early on November 11, 2016, my water broke with Beckett. Patrick and I headed to the hospital to deliver our sweet boy, and who did we see? Nickie. Nickie passed our labor along to Emily, another faithful servant of God. Beckett was born into some extreme circumstances. Our good God intervened to save our sweet son. Nickie prayed so faithfully for our family. She asked every person she knew to pray for Beckett. She stood in a room of 200 women, and they prayed some powerful prayers over our son. And then last Sunday we stood side by side with our hands lifted high, in a room full of hundreds of women, and we worshiped our amazing God together. You see, God already knew that our lives would intertwine. He knew the role Nickie would play in Kylie’s delivery, our second delivery, and He knew we would both glorify Him because of all that He’s done in our lives.

Out of Kylie’s ashes, God has created something so beautiful. The most beautiful piece of all is that God is still revealing Kylie’s story to us. We are forever grateful for our daughter. 

God is Personal

As I reflect on Easter weekend, I feel such peace in knowing of the hope our Lord provides. We have walked a journey that has included so many emotions these past two years. Right now, we are in a season of utmost joy. Each day we wake up to our sweet baby boy, and I am grateful beyond measure.

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to share about the miracle that occurred on the night of Beckett’s birth and in the days after. I shared about those few days but also about the past two years. I shared about how God has moved mountains in our life over the past two years. He has shown our family such mercy, love, and compassion. He has comforted us in times of deep grief, fear, and has shown His tangible love for us.

The group of 200 or so women that I had the opportunity to speak to already knew of Beckett. They prayed for him on the night of his MRI. They prayed for his healing. It moves me to tears to know how many people prayed for our son. To look out at this group of women from the stage and know that they had prayed for our son, shed tears for our son, called upon God for his protection on one of the most pivotal days of our life, was truly overwhelming. God heard each and every prayer, this I know.

On the Sunday before I spoke, our pastor preached on these verses: Psalm 145:10-12

“All your works praise you, Lord; your faithful people extol you. They tell of the glory of your kingdom and speak of your MIGHT, so that all people may know of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.”

I love to share our journey. I love to share because it’s tangible evidence of our God’s goodness, His might. I pray that each time I share about our journey, that I am able to glorify our good God.

If you know our family or have read some of my other blog posts, you will know about our journey of losing our sweet Kylie almost two years ago, you will know that God gave us the gift of caring for a sweet girl for 8 months in our season of waiting, you will know He faithfully blessed us with another pregnancy, and you will know of the miracle He performed on the night Beckett was born in the days following. I continue to be in awe of our blessings and His goodness.

In preparing to speak to those faithful women of God, I must share what I stumbled upon. I flipped through my journal and found the entry I had written on April 4, 2016. We had recently found out we were expecting and had some early ultrasounds. I worried for our sweet child’s life. I wanted so badly to progress through the pregnancy and to meet our baby.

7 months before our sweet Beckett was born, I wrote:

“God I come to you once again begging you. I beg you for a healthy baby. I beg you that in November, Patrick and I are holding our warm, sweet, crying, healthy child. Lord, I no longer am begging you for a pregnancy. I beg you for a child.”

Later on in the same entry I wrote:

“As I read your word today, I read in Luke 11: 9-10 and 13: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened…. How much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” So, I pray for you, Lord, to send the Holy Spirit to surround and penetrate my womb. Help our child to be completely healthy. Help them to grow proportionately and give them a strong heartbeat.”

Holy cow… “So, I pray for you, Lord, to send the Holy Spirit to surround and penetrate my womb. Help our child to be completely healthy. Help them to grow proportionately and give them a strong heartbeat.”

Our personal God knew then what I needed to ask Him for. Many months before the birth of our son, I had prayed that the Lord would give him a strong heartbeat, and He so faithfully answered that prayer in the wee hours of the morning on November 12, 2016.

Link to the video: https://vimeo.com/213134631

Password: sisterhood

Beckett and I with our beautiful labor and delivery nurses

These two women will always have a special place in our lives.

Nurse E saved this sweet boy's life with her quick actions on the night he was born.

What a joy it is to share God's impact on our lives these past couple of years.

God is SO GOOD.

To the Man Who Gifted Us Our Son's Life...

Tonight I laid in bed, as I do some nights, thinking about the night Beckett was born. Tears slowly dripped down my cheeks as I thought about and prayed for the man who beat our son’s tiny heart until he was able to do so himself. I allowed myself to think about how long 18 minutes is. I reflected on today; the smiles and coos I received from Beckett, the Mom’s Group I attended this afternoon, the pure joy I feel in being a mommy to our son. The gratitude I feel towards the man who saved our son is overwhelming.

In the weeks after Beckett came home, we had the opportunity to meet the man who resuscitated our son; the man who told his team to keep trying for a few minutes after the time deemed appropriate to resuscitate an infant. There truly are no words in any language to express how we feel towards this man. We wrote this man a letter and gave it to him when we went to meet him. I knew I could not verbally articulate my feelings toward this man upon meeting him. I was right. All I could choke out was a “thank you” as tears streamed down my face. I’d like to share this letter because medical professionals who do this sort of work don’t always receive the words they deserve.

To the man who gifted us our sons’ life,

As I sit down to write to you, I am at a loss for words. Words do not exist to appropriately thank someone for your child’s life. Although I don’t feel like these words adequately encompass the depth of our gratitude, I want you to know that they come from the deepest parts of us.

Thank you for Beckett Mason Byer’s life. Thank you for resuscitating him. Thank you for continuing to try to bring life into our son’s body minutes after protocol calls for. Thank you for the knowledge and experience you have to intubate our son’s lifeless body and to successfully put in lines to give him blood. Thank you for not allowing us to go home to an empty house without another child. Thank you for giving us the baby we hold in our arms today. Thank you for giving Beckett a future. I know that the Lord has some amazing plans for our son. Thank you… these two words will never be enough.

My husband and I share a faith in God and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe, without a doubt that the Holy Spirit filled the space in the labor and delivery unit that night. I believe He led you to be on our floor when Beckett’s heart rate plummeted. I believe He guided you and every person involved that night. He orchestrated every moment to graciously give us the son we have today.

Psalm 100:5 – “For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.”

We want you to know that we pray for you. We pray in thanksgiving for you. We pray in thanksgiving for your knowledge and experience. We pray for your health and safety. We pray for your happiness. We pray for your family. We pray that you may continue to do the amazing job that you do; to help babies and families like us.

As you celebrate this Christmas season, continue your career, and live your life, we want you to know that you will always and forever be a part of the Byer family. We will talk about you, pray for you, and think of you until the day I die. You gave us a gift that cannot be topped here on earth, our son’s life.

Thank you.

I read what I wrote weeks ago, and the gratitude I felt continues to be compounded. I have been blessed enough to look into our son’s eyes and feel the love that a mother feels for her son, nurse my sweet baby boy, watch our son roll over, be on the receiving end of his smile, teach him to hold onto things, and to sit up with assistance. How blessed are we that in the early morning of November 12, 2016, a man told his team to “keep trying for a few more minutes.”