5 years ago today, I watched that same sun rise in the same sky. It was one of the most difficult and saddest day of my life. That same God who showed up that day to comfort my broken heart is with me today. I walked down the same stairs I do every day to leave our home. I walked in the same hospital doors as I have three times since to deliver three more babies. But, me - I am not the same. With every ounce of my being, I now know that there is a God who loves me. And, I know that with Him I can do hard things. I can deliver a baby into this world who I am not going to get to raise. I can hold her and kiss her and snuggle her even though I know that her soul is already with Jesus. I can hear the cries of other babies in the hallway when deafening silence filled our room. I can stand up and walk out of that hospital empty-handed and into a home with a crib already upstairs.
The greatest gift that Kylie gave me is this: I know that no matter what - NO MATTER WHAT - God shows up. He loves us, He comforts us, and He can be glorified in any and all situations. When hard or scary things arise, I have great peace in knowing that God is in control and that He will create beauty out of every situation. That beauty may not look exactly how we want it to look, and it may not come exactly when we want it to, but God's plan is always better than ours.
Kylie Ryann Byer, thank you. Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for all that you have taught me. I look at your two sisters and your brother, and I wonder what you would have looked like - what color your eyes and hair would be; how tall you'd be; how you'd like to wear your hair. I wonder what you'd like to do and play each day. This year, you likely would have gone to kindergarten. I can't help but to admit that I am most definitely not ready for the school years yet. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see the joy when parenting is hard because man, you've made me so grateful to get to raise your siblings. Sweet girl, I love you so. Some day, I will hold you in my arms again. Until then, keep teaching me - to love God and people better every day. Happy 5th birthday, my girl.
