As
August 17th approaches, I feel anxious. I feel like I’m waiting for something.
I'm waiting for Kylie's due date, which also happens to be my 26th birthday, to
pass us by. I’m not sure what that means for us. It’s not really going to
change anything. I’m hoping that I can take a deep breath and know that I
shouldn’t be pregnant anymore. I’m hoping for some kind of relief, but I’m not
sure I’ll get any. And, that’s ok… “It is well with my soul.”
I
was in Iowa this past weekend visiting a friend. We attended her church on
Sunday, and the message was meant for my ears and my heart. I believe that God
knows exactly what you need in your life and He provides. Sometimes, we just
need to open our eyes and our hearts. Whether it’s the message in church on
Sunday, a scripture passage, a song on the radio, or the gesture of a friend,
He provides. In 2 Kings 4, the Shunammite woman’s heart desires a child with
her husband. Elisha, visiting and staying at her home, grants her deep desire
for a child because of her faithfulness. Years later, her son passes away and
during the time right after his death, the woman goes is search of Elisha.
Elisha’s servant sees her in the distance, goes to her, and asks her, “Is it
well with thee? Is it well with thy husband? Is it well with the child?” Her
response is, “It is well.”
HUH?!
WHAT?! How can she be “well” after holding her only son as he died in her arms?
Although she is mourning her son’s death (in the scripture he is later brought
back to life by Elisha), her soul is well because of her faith in God. She knew
that no matter what happened, whether her son lived or remained dead,
everything would be alright. What an amazing woman. What amazing faith.
I am by no means comparing my faith to the faith of the Shunammite woman.... I only hope to have a fraction of her unwavering faith in our Lord. But, I do feel like although at times I am so very sad and incredibly heartbroken, I too
can say, “It is well with my soul.” I am so grateful that I feel so at peace; I
feel so much hope for our lives and our future.
I
feel as though I need to share the final piece of Kylie’s birth story before
her due date on Monday. Her story does not conclude as of her due date. Her
story will continue throughout my entire life as her tiny little life changed
Patrick and me forever. Our future children will know they have an older sister
watching over them, and I will always see her in the sunrises. I will always
wonder what she would be like, and I will always miss her.
After
Kylie’s birth, we decided that we would have her autopsied. We had the choice
of whether or not we wanted our baby girl to receive an autopsy, and given we
had absolutely no idea why Kylie passed away, we
decided that we would move forward with one. I had come to the conclusion that
if I never had any answers, it would be ok. As I’ve stated so many times, God
granted me a sense of peace in her passing, and I was ok with never knowing the
cause. Of course, we wanted answers. We wanted to know why just a few weeks
earlier, at our 2nd level ultrasound, we were told that our baby
looked to be in perfect health and then at 24 weeks and 2 days we found out our
daughter had passed away.
I’ve
already shared parts of this story in an earlier post, so bear with me if you
have already read it. On March 27th, at our 19 week and 4 day
ultrasound, our gender reveal ultrasound, we were told by the technician that
Kylie was measuring 13 days behind. She was measuring at 17 weeks and 5 days.
Obviously, we were concerned, but we were told by the nurse line and our doctor
that more than likely Kylie was just fine. They didn’t find anything
anatomically wrong with her at that ultrasound. Because the due date seemed to
be different than our 9 week dating ultrasound results, we were scheduled for a
2nd level ultrasound (more in-depth) just a week and a half later,
on April 6th. I remember being very nervous when arriving in St.
Louis Park for the ultrasound. Although our doctor reassured us that more than
likely everything was just fine with our baby girl, we couldn’t help but worry
about her. At the 2nd level ultrasound, we were told that our baby
girl seemed to be in perfect health. Once again, she was measuring 13 days behind her
original due date of August 17th. Therefore, our due date was moved
to August 30th. Other than that, she seemed to be doing very well.
At the appointment, we were also told that Kylie had a 2 vessel umbilical cord.
Instead of two arteries and one vein in the umbilical cord, Kylie had one
artery and one vein. The perinatologist (specialist) told us that it was
nothing to worry about. Most of the time, babies with a two vessel cord are
perfectly healthy with absolutely no complications. We were to have ultrasounds
every four weeks beginning at 28 weeks to monitor Kylie’s growth. While we were
a bit stressed with the news, the perinatologist was very confident that Kylie
was a healthy baby.
Through
the autopsy, we learned that Kylie was indeed due on her original due date of
August 17th. She was growth restricted. That’s why she measured at
17 weeks and 5 days at her initial ultrasound. That’s why she was so very
small. We learned that she was about 24 weeks along when she passed away. She
was also a perfectly healthy baby girl.
Kylie
passed away from a stricture in her umbilical cord. Most likely, at some point
during her time in my womb, her umbilical cord got bent or kinked, creating a
decrease of blood flow from myself to our baby girl. Kylie was not getting the
nutrients she needed to survive.
After
delivering Kylie, it was found that there was quite a bit of clotting in my
placenta. This could have happened before or after Kylie had passed away. My
doctor was concerned that I may have a blood clotting disorder/autoimmune
disorder known as antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. Fortunately, I tested
negative to all types. I am so very grateful.
As
I stated, in most circumstances where a baby as a two vessel umbilical cord, a
very normal pregnancy and birth results. A two vessel cord does mean that the
cord has a bit less structure to it. Additionally, we’ve learned that two
vessel umbilical cords can lack the normal amount of coating around the cord
called Wharton’s jelly. Basically, Kylie’s cord probably kinked because it
wasn’t strong enough to prevent the kinking.
I
am so grateful to know why Kylie passed away. It gives me great peace of mind
to know that there is nothing we or our doctors could have done to prevent
Kylie’s passing. I’m also grateful to know that the likelihood of something
like this happening again is incredibly low.
This is where I feel closest to our baby girl... early in the morning, when my feet are hitting the pavement.
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