Beckett Mason's Nursery

It was like I was a kid again, riding home on the school bus on Halloween knowing as soon as I got home my mom would have our costumes at the ready, a snack to eat, and we’d be off to the neighborhood Halloween party where a group of 20 kids would eat pizza, read a Halloween book, and eat way too many sweets before trick-or-treating with our best friends…

This past week, we set up most of our nursery. We have a few finishing touches to add here in the coming weeks, but Patrick has worked so hard on readying the walls of the nursery. Bless him as this project was way more work than we initially thought! On Wednesday, he told me we could “probably” set up the crib that evening when I got home from work. He knows me too well… he wouldn’t tell me this unless he was planning on setting up the crib that evening because I would have asked (like a child) about it until he made it happen. The man has the patience of a saint.

On the way home from work, I was giddy; so excited that we were finally at the point of readying our little boy’s room. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratefulness and excitement to be at this point in our pregnancy. Our sweet boy is due to arrive in less than 7 weeks. What I didn’t expect from the evening was the rollercoaster of emotions both Patrick and I felt.

Patrick was just beginning to pull the tape off the walls when I arrived home. I brought Beckett’s mattress with me that I picked up at the store on my way home from work. Then, I began to unpack our spare room closet. I pulled out some of the items I have purchased for Beckett during this pregnancy. I started to pull out the diapers I purchased during our pregnancy with Kylie, and finally, I unburied the crib that we had stuck in the back of the closet. A sense of sadness creeped over me as I stared at the pieces of the beautiful crib we picked out over a year and a half ago. I pushed the sadness down. I busied myself carrying the crib pieces into the nursery. Patrick put the crib together, and we pushed the dresser from the spare room into the nursery. The dresser too had sat against the wall in the spare room since the week after Kylie passed away.

We continued to set up the nursery. The emotions were building for both of us, we just didn’t talk about it. As good married couples do, we argued about where all of the pieces of furniture would go. We don’t have our glider quite yet, and we spent some time discussing where the glider would fit into the room. I lost my cool, took Zailey for a walk in the rain, and cried. When I returned home, both of us began to verbally recognize the sadness that walked right beside the joy of finally setting up Beckett's nursery. We had both longed and waited for this day. We had waited until third trimester to work on the nursery this time. You see, just before Kylie passed away, Patrick had painted the nursery closet and redid the shelves. It was so difficult to put everything away in the week after we returned from the hospital.

That evening, as we set up the crib and moved Beckett’s nursery furniture into place, we both felt a sense of sadness. We couldn’t help but think about how all of it was supposed to be for Kylie. The feelings of sadness, excitement, and joy are conflicting. But, that’s okay. Just as God guided us through our time of deep grief last year, He continues to faithfully guide us through the emotions of our pregnancy with Beckett.

In reflecting on all of our pregnancy with Beckett, especially as we walk through the third trimester, the key word I’d use to describe it all is grateful. I truly feel an overwhelming sense of gratefulness to our Lord for Beckett’s precious life. I’m so grateful to my husband for working so hard on Beckett’s nursery and for putting it all together. I’m grateful for Beckett’s constant kicks and movements. I’m grateful that I wake up 4 times a night to use the bathroom. I’m grateful for the occasional sore back. I’m grateful for our weekly fetal monitoring appointments. I’m grateful that Beckett thinks I should wake up every morning between 3:30 and 5 for the day. I’m so grateful to Kylie and her life for giving me this perspective. This sense of gratitude and appreciation that I feel is another gift from our daughter. Her life continues to bless us over and over again. She continues to teach us so much about this world.