Kylie Ryann's Story - Grief

Grief is an interesting feeling. Sometimes I feel like I’m healing, I’m moving forward, it doesn't hurt so bad. Then, it just hits. It hits me like a bus going 65 miles per hour. It’s the feeling that there is a hole in my heart. Someone is gripping my heart and squeezing, and squeezing, and squeezing… it. hurts. so. bad. 

After Kylie passed away, those first few weeks were so, so hard. There was so much grief in almost every moment of every day. Then, each day began to feel a little bit better. Finally, when someone asked me how I was I could honestly say, “pretty good” instead of what had become my normal response, “I’m okay.”  I wasn't “pretty good” all the time, but much of the day I truly was doing “pretty good.”

Patrick and I both went back to work a week and a half after having Kylie. I know it seems soon, but I could not just sit at home while Patrick was at work. I couldn't sit at home alone with my grief.  I needed a routine. I needed to enter “real life” again. Going back to work was hard, but it helped me continue to heal. Integrating back into the social world was very difficult but was good for me. During the week and a half following Kylie’s birth, Patrick and I only went outside to walk Zailey (our dog) very early in the morning. We shut our garage door precisely upon entering the garage if we had journeyed out. It was so painful to imagine explaining our loss of Kylie to our neighbors. In the second week upon returning to work, we took one more day off to have Kylie’s memorial. After that, we planned our trip to Maui, I filled our social calendar, and we had some follow-up doctors’ appointments. Keeping busy helps me cope. It gives me other things to focus on - food to prepare, plans to be made, a house to clean, a calendar to manage.

We thoroughly enjoyed our trip to Maui. Throughout the trip, I said to Patrick over and over that “vacation is good for the soul.” It is. For me, it’s a break from real life. I don’t have to think about work, clean our house, do laundry, mow our lawn, talk to anyone except my husband, or commute. It’s amazing. I cried when I wanted to, I laughed when I wanted to, I slept when I wanted to. It was healing.

After returning from Maui we went up north for the weekend with extended family. It was so much fun. I had looked forward to Maui and our weekend up north. But now what? I am back at work. The craziness has died down. Grief has hit me like a bus this week. Today I would have been almost 36 weeks pregnant with our daughter. She’d almost be full term. I am supposed to be huge and uncomfortable and ready to be done being pregnant.  I was supposed to have two baby showers in the next couple of weeks. As our due date approaches, I am filled with such an intense sense of loss. I feel like I’m regressing. Each day and night is hard again, so hard. I sob, not cry, but sob. It had been weeks since I've sobbed. I fully accept that this is part of our journey. There will be times that are more difficult than others. Going forward, I know that my grief management will improve and then regress again. My continued prayers are for peace and comfort, and I know that God always provides.