Happy First Birthday in Heaven, Our Sweet Girl

As I awake on our Kylie’s birthday, yes I do miss her and shed tears for her, but I also feel an incredible sense of hope and peace. As I reflect on this past year, I see God’s hands and footprints all over it. I see Him working in so many incredible ways. I don’t think I could list all of the ways we’ve seen Him work in our lives this past year.

Above all, we wish Kylie was here with us. We wish she was 8 ½ months old and we’d be celebrating her 1^st birthday in August, but that was not God’s plan. From April 29^th, the day we found out our sweet girl had passed away, we have known that it wasn’t God’s plan for us to know Kylie on this earth. I am grateful for the way we’ve experienced God’s presence throughout this past year. The way we felt the Holy Spirit’s presence in our delivery room was indescribable. As we’ve grieved and practiced patience over this past year, we’ve seen Him show up tangibly again and again when asked. God gave us a gift in September. He opened our hearts to having a long-term Safe Families placement. In November, He brought Little L into our lives. She has helped us heal. She has brought child-like joy into our everyday lives. She has kept us busy. All of this was a gift from God, knowing that I needed her and the purpose she brings to me in our life.

My verse of this past year has been Psalm 29:11: “The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.” I have gone over this verse countless times in my head, and it holds to be so true.

Over these past couple of days, I’ve opened “the box.” Yes, there are nights that I lie in bed and shed tears for our sweet girl; I’ll spend a few minutes grieving over the fact that she’s not here with us, that I miss her, and I’ll wonder what she’d be like. Her picture is still in my night stand, and I look at it now and again, studying her sweet features. But, this week, I let myself “lose it” for a night. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. Little L was asleep and Patrick travelling for work. I sat on the floor of our closet and combed through all of her things; I looked at every picture we have from our pregnancy with her and the pictures we have from her birthday. I read all of the cards we were sent last year. I grieved hard over the loss of our sweet girl. I allowed myself to remember the feelings of learning Kylie had passed away, remember waiting in the doctor’s office alone for Patrick to come, remember arriving at the hospital and spending the day in labor, remember delivering and then meeting our sweet girl, remember spending time with Kylie and Pastor Pat’s time with us in the hospital, remember saying goodbye to her for the last time and handing her to the nurse, remember leaving the hospital to go home empty-handed, remember those first hours, weeks, and months of grief at home. It’s good to open “the box” once and awhile; to feel the raw grief. It felt good to sob and to remember.

Today, I feel thankful. I feel thankful to God for the hope and love He gives us each day. I am thankful for the incredible blessings in our life. Yesterday, I took baked treats and a letter to the Labor and Delivery nurses at the hospital. I wanted to honor Kylie’s life by thanking them for the work they do and the impact they have on families’ lives. I have also written a card to Pastor Pat at our church and plan to take a small gift to her in honor of Kylie’s life. I look out at the tree our neighbors kindly gave us in remembrance of Kylie. Her tree is beginning to bloom and the remembrance stones are placed in her garden. It makes me smile. We plan to plant other flowers there this year. Our friends and family have given us so much love this past year. Sometimes it has been difficult for me to show my appreciation, but we are so blessed to have the friends and family that we do. We are so thankful for the support.

Kylie Ryann Byer, Born an angel, April 30, 2015, 7.04oz, 9 inches

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My letter to Kylie on her birthday:

Our Sweet Kylie,

One year ago today you were born an angel to this earth. It was the saddest day of our lives. This morning I awake listening to the birds chirping outside, reflecting on this past year and the gifts you have given us. Your life on earth was incredibly short, My Love. I take comfort in the fact that we will spend eternal life with you in heaven one day. In the weeks and months after your birth, we grieved hard. I wondered where the pure joy of life was. I wondered if I would ever feel it again. I do, My Love. While I miss you and think of you each day of my life, you have also given your daddy and me some incredible gifts. You have pushed us to look to God first in every aspect of our lives, My Sweet Daughter. Although it’s hard sometimes, you have taught us to trust Him with our grief, our patience, our decisions. You have given us the gift of compassion and empathy towards others. You have brought Mommy and Daddy so much closer to each other as we’ve walked through this past year together. We love you so much; more than our words can say. We miss you. We also know that you are looking down at us from heaven with so much more perspective. We know you are with our Heavenly Father and that you see our tears, but you know that this was and is all in His plan. Thank you, Kylie Ryann, our sweet daughter, for the gifts you have given us this past year. We love you and miss you more than words can describe.

Love, Mommy and Daddy

Safe Families for Children - Little L

After a beautiful, joyous, sometimes hard, season of growing for us, Little L leaves us today after 5 months spent in our home. Oh my, how God has worked in those 5 months. It is not “goodbye” for us as she will continue to stay with us for shorter periods of time, but her permanent stay with us is coming to an end.

Little L joined us in our household on November 13, 2015 and turned our world upside down. Little L joined us through a Christian organization called Safe Families for Children. A couple of months before Little L’s arrival, Patrick and I began talking about taking a longer-term placement with SFFC. Up to that point, we had been “weekenders,” taking kids into our home on weekends, on average about once a month. As we grieved the loss of our sweet daughter, God began to open our hearts and minds to doing something in our time of waiting on another pregnancy. We began to talk about this idea of taking a longer-term assignment with SF. A couple of months went by, and then we received “the email.” We get the “Urgent Needs” email from Safe Families in our inbox multiple times a week. It lists the types needs in our community (the metro). That Wednesday or Thursday evening, I read the Urgent Needs email and showed it to Patrick while sitting on the couch. This was it. It was clear to me. The situation was what we had been talking about and praying about. This was what God had called us to do. It couldn’t be any more clear to us. It was hard to take the leap… we asked ourselves, “What about daycare? How will we do drop-off/pick-up and our commute? How long with this placement last?” We took the dive and responded that we were interested in the need. On Saturday, we picked up Little L and her younger sister. We took both of them for the weekend until the other host family was able to begin placement on Monday. Wow, you could say they rocked our world. To give you a tiny glimpse, Patrick and I put together a baby swing at 2am that Saturday night while a baby screamed in my arms… and when I say “we,” I mean Patrick. Goodness, that man has the patience of a saint. We could only have navigated this journey together.

We quickly moved to a routine that involved a 22-month old. We secured daycare before we even took Little L into care. We look back on those early weeks, and they were HARD. Little L didn’t know us, our routines, or our house. She had never been to daycare and was sick for about a month straight. We set the boundaries of our household, and we all had a steep learning curve to climb. But, those weeks were also so good. She learned to trust us and love us. She learned that we always come back at the end of the day. She learned to love her time with other children, and boy, was her time in a structured daycare so good for her. We drop her off now, with a kiss and a hug. She runs to spend time with her teachers and classmates.

God gave us such a gift in the time we’ve spent with Little L. I thought I would be a mother last August, but God had different plans for us. In a time of waiting and grieving, He gave us a sweet girl to love on. He gave us a sweet girl to love us and to show us a tiny piece of His greater plan for our life. We have learned so much about God’s grace and patience. A year ago, I would never have thought we’d be where we are right now, but as a song I love states, “I am called to be where I am right now.” And, over this past year, God has called us more than ever, as the final chapter of 1 Thessalonians states, "encourage one another and build each other up... Live in peace with each other... encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone... always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

One unexpected blessing has been the relationship I have developed with the other host mom. Little L’s younger sister has been living in the north metro with another family since Little L has been in our care. The other host mom is what I would call a “baby whisperer” and is so wise. Her family has served with Safe Families for some time, and their faith is humbling. She continually reminds me to be more Christ-like even when things are difficult with the girls. She lays down her busy family’s desires to serve this family in crisis. I would like to be more like this sweet woman in her sacrifice and love for others.

God is so good. These past five months is a small window in our life, but we hope to continually play a role in Little L’s life. We pray that God guides her and her family.

Safe Families for Children website: www.safefamiliesmn.org

Little L and Zailey are best of buds.

Little L loves the "Tickle Monster"

Little L enjoys joining us on our runs even when it's a little chilly.

Little L loves riding her trike outside.

She enjoys the slides at the park.

Toting around her toys.

More "Tickle Monster"

Hmm... 

Little L enjoys her gymnastics class on Tuesday nights.

Playing with shaving cream at her amazing school.

Doing puzzles at school.