As I awake on our Kylie’s birthday, yes I do miss her and shed
tears for her, but I also feel an incredible sense of hope and peace. As I
reflect on this past year, I see God’s hands and footprints all over it. I see
Him working in so many incredible ways. I don’t think I could list all of the
ways we’ve seen Him work in our lives this past year.
Above all, we wish Kylie was here with us. We wish she was 8 ½ months
old and we’d be celebrating her 1st birthday in August, but that was
not God’s plan. From April 29th, the day we found out our sweet girl
had passed away, we have known that it wasn’t God’s plan for us to know Kylie
on this earth. I am grateful for the way we’ve experienced God’s presence
throughout this past year. The way we felt the Holy Spirit’s presence in our
delivery room was indescribable. As we’ve grieved and practiced patience over
this past year, we’ve seen Him show up tangibly again and again when asked. God
gave us a gift in September. He opened our hearts to having a long-term Safe
Families placement. In November, He brought Little L into our lives. She has
helped us heal. She has brought child-like joy into our everyday lives. She has
kept us busy. All of this was a gift from God, knowing that I needed her and
the purpose she brings to me in our life.
My verse of this past year has been Psalm 29:11: “The Lord gives
strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.” I have gone
over this verse countless times in my head, and it holds to be so true.
Over these past couple of days, I’ve opened “the box.” Yes, there
are nights that I lie in bed and shed tears for our sweet girl; I’ll spend a
few minutes grieving over the fact that she’s not here with us, that I miss
her, and I’ll wonder what she’d be like. Her picture is still in my night
stand, and I look at it now and again, studying her sweet features. But, this week,
I let myself “lose it” for a night. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that.
Little L was asleep and Patrick travelling for work. I sat on the floor of our
closet and combed through all of her things; I looked at every picture we have
from our pregnancy with her and the pictures we have from her birthday. I read
all of the cards we were sent last year. I grieved hard over the loss of our
sweet girl. I allowed myself to remember the feelings of learning Kylie had
passed away, remember waiting in the doctor’s office alone for Patrick to come,
remember arriving at the hospital and spending the day in labor, remember
delivering and then meeting our sweet girl, remember spending time with Kylie
and Pastor Pat’s time with us in the hospital, remember saying goodbye to her
for the last time and handing her to the nurse, remember leaving the hospital
to go home empty-handed, remember those first hours, weeks, and months of grief
at home. It’s good to open “the box” once and awhile; to feel the raw grief. It
felt good to sob and to remember.
Today, I feel thankful. I feel thankful to God for the hope and
love He gives us each day. I am thankful for the incredible blessings in our
life. Yesterday, I took baked treats and a letter to the Labor and Delivery
nurses at the hospital. I wanted to honor Kylie’s life by thanking them for the
work they do and the impact they have on families’ lives. I have also written a
card to Pastor Pat at our church and plan to take a small gift to her in honor
of Kylie’s life. I look out at the tree our neighbors kindly gave us in remembrance
of Kylie. Her tree is beginning to bloom and the remembrance stones are placed
in her garden. It makes me smile. We plan to plant other flowers there this
year. Our friends and family have given us so much love this past year.
Sometimes it has been difficult for me to show my appreciation, but we are so
blessed to have the friends and family that we do. We are so thankful for the
support.
Kylie Ryann Byer, Born an angel, April 30, 2015, 7.04oz, 9 inches
__________________________________________________________
My letter to Kylie on her birthday:
Our Sweet Kylie,
One year ago today you were born an angel
to this earth. It was the saddest day of our lives. This morning I awake
listening to the birds chirping outside, reflecting on this past year and the
gifts you have given us. Your life on earth was incredibly short, My Love. I
take comfort in the fact that we will spend eternal life with you in heaven one
day. In the weeks and months after your birth, we grieved hard. I wondered
where the pure joy of life was. I wondered if I would ever feel it again. I do,
My Love. While I miss you and think of you each day of my life, you have also
given your daddy and me some incredible gifts. You have pushed us to look to
God first in every aspect of our lives, My Sweet Daughter. Although it’s hard
sometimes, you have taught us to trust Him with our grief, our patience, our
decisions. You have given us the gift of compassion and empathy towards others.
You have brought Mommy and Daddy so much closer to each other as we’ve walked
through this past year together. We love you so much; more than our words can
say. We miss you. We also know that you are looking down at us from heaven with
so much more perspective. We know you are with our Heavenly Father and that you
see our tears, but you know that this was and is all in His plan. Thank you,
Kylie Ryann, our sweet daughter, for the gifts you have given us this past
year. We love you and miss you more than words can describe.
Love, Mommy and Daddy
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