Past Experience Shaping Our Current Reality - Our 14 Week Appointment

At it’s most basic, trauma is defined as a “deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”

A routine 14 week appointment. Three kids alongside me. One roaming the appointment room, the other two strapped into the stroller. Three sucker sticks sticking out of three little mouths. Crackers litter the floor. Interrupted conversation with my doctor. Questions answered. Blood pressure good. Reassurance provided.

Then comes the doppler. I lay down on the table. My toddler asks me, “What you doing, Mom?” With a smile plastered on my face, I tell him that we get to hear baby sister’s heartbeat. My doctor squirts the gel on my belly and the doppler is brought to my skin. She searches. She’s making small talk. I’m responding. My heartbeat begins to quicken. She continues to move the doppler around. I hear my heartbeat thumping in my ears… it’s getting louder and louder. My doctor is still talking to me – chatting about kids or something. I can’t focus anymore. I finally say it aloud. “I’m starting to panic.” She’s still searching with her doppler. I can tell she's making small talk to try and keep me calm. She finds my heartbeat. I surely know the difference by now. Baby’s is much faster than my own. She says, “That’s your heartbeat.” I breathily reply, “I know.” She tells me not to worry. She tells me this is the most difficult time in pregnancy to find baby on the doppler. My heart is racing. Tears begin to prick my eyes. A thousand thoughts scroll through my mind. “Okay. Maybe we aren’t having a baby in February. How will I tell Patrick? We will get through this…” And then, there it is. The most beautiful sound begins to pour out of the doppler. Our girl’s heartbeat. I begin to sob. I apologize to my doctor. She takes my hand and assures me that my emotions are okay. "We’ve gone through so much." Now, my toddler asks me, “Why you crying, Mom?” I tell him that I’m just so happy to hear baby’s heartbeat. I am emotionally exhausted.

Our past experiences shape us. Until this pregnancy, I could not internally admit that we’ve experienced trauma. That’s for other people. We’re okay. I’m okay.

And, I am okay, but I do realize and accept that our past traumatic experiences overshadow every pregnancy and delivery we experience. No matter what, God holds us in the palm of His hand. It’s okay to feel the emotions that I feel. “But I trust in you, Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hands” – Psalm 31:14-15

God's reminder of His presence the morning of this appointment

Baby Byer #4 (GIRL)

Here I am. It’s been awhile since I put my fingers to my keyboard. Why yes, my pen goes to paper most days, sending up prayers to our Father, asking Him for so much and thanking Him for increasingly more.

What has brought me here today? Let’s get real.

FEAR.

We are 17 weeks 6 days pregnant with our fourth baby. Praise our good and gracious Father. Our baby is a girl. God has given us three girls and brother B. Oh man, He is good. Every day, I thank Him for each one of our children. Every day, I ask for His protection, for health, for His blessings to rain down on our kids.

At any given moment, I can tell you exactly how far along I am in a pregnancy and exactly how much time is left. I just need to make it to 37 weeks, and these babies are ejected from my body. Tomorrow, I will be 18 weeks along. By God’s amazing grace, that means I have exactly 19 weeks to go until this baby will be in my arms. From the day we learn we are expecting, we long for that day. We long to take a deep breath out and breathe in our newborn. We long to touch and feel and kiss our child. We long for the day we will not worry that we may never meet our child.

It is our past experiences that have brought us to this point. We did not get to meet Kylie on this side of heaven. And, three years ago, we thought we may have to leave the hospital without our baby for the second time. I know that God does not call us to live anxiously, and boy does He provide peace. But, I am human, and here is my greatest fear.

That God’s plan may be different from my own.

I trust Him. I trust Him fully. I have seen His goodness in the midst of pain. I have seen the way He has shaped us through our experiences. And, I can honestly say that I wouldn’t change a thing about our life journey. But, I do not desire to feel the grip of pain and grief we have experienced before. I do not once again desire to feel the immense fear of an unknown future for our child with a grim diagnosis.

Here’s something else I know (from a Zach Williams song).

Fear he is a liar

He will take your breath

Stop you in your steps

He will rob your rest

Steal your happiness

God is so much bigger than our greatest fears. He will carry me through this pregnancy. He will provide, no matter what the outcome. He will grant a sense of peace that can only come from Him. He will allow me to rejoice in a new life. And, He will be glorified.

So, here it is… Baby Byer #4 (GIRL), by God’s amazing grace, will join us in mid-February!