Past Experience Shaping Our Current Reality - Our 14 Week Appointment

At it’s most basic, trauma is defined as a “deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”

A routine 14 week appointment. Three kids alongside me. One roaming the appointment room, the other two strapped into the stroller. Three sucker sticks sticking out of three little mouths. Crackers litter the floor. Interrupted conversation with my doctor. Questions answered. Blood pressure good. Reassurance provided.

Then comes the doppler. I lay down on the table. My toddler asks me, “What you doing, Mom?” With a smile plastered on my face, I tell him that we get to hear baby sister’s heartbeat. My doctor squirts the gel on my belly and the doppler is brought to my skin. She searches. She’s making small talk. I’m responding. My heartbeat begins to quicken. She continues to move the doppler around. I hear my heartbeat thumping in my ears… it’s getting louder and louder. My doctor is still talking to me – chatting about kids or something. I can’t focus anymore. I finally say it aloud. “I’m starting to panic.” She’s still searching with her doppler. I can tell she's making small talk to try and keep me calm. She finds my heartbeat. I surely know the difference by now. Baby’s is much faster than my own. She says, “That’s your heartbeat.” I breathily reply, “I know.” She tells me not to worry. She tells me this is the most difficult time in pregnancy to find baby on the doppler. My heart is racing. Tears begin to prick my eyes. A thousand thoughts scroll through my mind. “Okay. Maybe we aren’t having a baby in February. How will I tell Patrick? We will get through this…” And then, there it is. The most beautiful sound begins to pour out of the doppler. Our girl’s heartbeat. I begin to sob. I apologize to my doctor. She takes my hand and assures me that my emotions are okay. "We’ve gone through so much." Now, my toddler asks me, “Why you crying, Mom?” I tell him that I’m just so happy to hear baby’s heartbeat. I am emotionally exhausted.

Our past experiences shape us. Until this pregnancy, I could not internally admit that we’ve experienced trauma. That’s for other people. We’re okay. I’m okay.

And, I am okay, but I do realize and accept that our past traumatic experiences overshadow every pregnancy and delivery we experience. No matter what, God holds us in the palm of His hand. It’s okay to feel the emotions that I feel. “But I trust in you, Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hands” – Psalm 31:14-15

God's reminder of His presence the morning of this appointment