Here I am. It’s been awhile since I put my fingers to my
keyboard. Why yes, my pen goes to paper most days, sending up prayers to our Father,
asking Him for so much and thanking Him for increasingly more.
What has brought me here today? Let’s get real.
FEAR.
We are 17 weeks 6 days pregnant with our fourth baby. Praise
our good and gracious Father. Our baby is a girl. God has given us three girls
and brother B. Oh man, He is good. Every day, I thank Him for each one of our
children. Every day, I ask for His protection, for health, for His blessings to
rain down on our kids.
At any given moment, I can tell you exactly how far along I
am in a pregnancy and exactly how much time is left. I just need to make it to 37
weeks, and these babies are ejected from my body. Tomorrow, I will be 18 weeks
along. By God’s amazing grace, that means I have exactly 19 weeks to go until
this baby will be in my arms. From the day we learn we are expecting, we long
for that day. We long to take a deep breath out and breathe in our newborn. We
long to touch and feel and kiss our child. We long for the day we will not
worry that we may never meet our child.
It is our past experiences that have brought us to this
point. We did not get to meet Kylie on this side of heaven. And, three years
ago, we thought we may have to leave the hospital without our baby for the
second time. I know that God does not call us to live anxiously, and boy does He
provide peace. But, I am human, and here is my greatest fear.
That God’s plan may be different from my own.
I trust Him. I trust Him fully. I have seen His goodness in
the midst of pain. I have seen the way He has shaped us through our experiences.
And, I can honestly say that I wouldn’t change a thing about our life journey. But,
I do not desire to feel the grip of pain and grief we have experienced before.
I do not once again desire to feel the immense fear of an unknown future for
our child with a grim diagnosis.
Here’s something else I know (from a Zach Williams song).
Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
God is so much bigger than our greatest fears. He will carry
me through this pregnancy. He will provide, no matter what the outcome. He will
grant a sense of peace that can only come from Him. He will allow me to rejoice
in a new life. And, He will be glorified.
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