Kylie's 4th Birthday

Last night as our family got into our minivan and left our small group gathering, one of our friends ran outside and handed me a card. She told me to wait until the morning to open it. As we drove home, the hot tears began to spill from my eyes. They were so unexpected, yet they poured down my face as we drove home. I could feel the mountain of emotion that had been building in my heart as we approached Kylie’s 4^th birthday.

Before sleep overcame us last night, Patrick and I laid next to each other in the dark. We spoke about what we remembered about April 29^th and 30^th, four years ago. Again, the tears poured down my face as we talked – sewing Kylie’s blanket, calling our friends and family to let them know our daughter had passed away, knowing it would be the last night Kylie would be in my womb, storing away all my maternity clothes because I didn’t want to look at them upon returning from the hospital… So many details. Such painful memories. Such beautiful, raw, life-changing memories.

So much grief, yet so much love and joy. That’s what Kylie has brought to our life. I have said it over and over, and I know I’ll say it again. I wouldn’t change any of it. Of course I wish we were raising Kylie Ryann. Of course I wish I was celebrating a beautiful 4 year-old’s birthday here on earth. Instead, our life looks completely different than I ever thought it would look 4 years ago, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am and always will be eternally grateful to Kylie for changing the trajectory of our life; for showing us how to walk with our good and gracious God; for allowing us to understand grief; for opening our eyes to the compassion Christ desires us to have; for allowing me to be a better and more present mother.

Four years, baby girl. Four years ago, I gave birth to my first baby; my girl. I wish I could hold you in my arms today – on your fourth birthday, but I know that I cannot. I’ll settle with holding your brother and sister tonight for just a little bit longer than usual. I’ll soak them in just a little bit longer, in honor of you. I know you are up there in heaven, looking down on us. I know you laugh at us, shake your head at us, and roll your eyes at me, your crazy momma. You made me a mother, Kylie Ryann, and I am so grateful for you. Happy birthday, our girl.

Love, Your Momma and Daddy

Today, as I thumbed through all the cards and letters we’ve received through the years on Kylie’s birthday, I found one that spoke to my soul. On Kyie’s first birthday, one of my oldest and dearest friends wrote me a long letter. In it, she said this: 

“To see you and Pat get involved with Safe Families (now Together for Good) and take care of Little L, is to get a glimpse of the extraordinarily intricate and divine plan of God: A God who is so woven into the seams of our lives, no matter how smooth or rough the edges are, that we sometimes forget to look for Him.”

Extraordinary. Intricate. Divine.

Amen. I don’t think I could pick better words to describe God’s plans for our lives.