Kylie Ryann's Story - Gentle Gestures

My Dear Friend,

There are so many other things I want to thank you for, but this is what is on my heart tonight. Thank you for the chocolate covered strawberries you sent me for Mother’s Day. Truth be told, when I received them I told Patrick I didn’t want them. They made me cry. They made me mourn even harder for my daughter. As I reflect on this gentle, kind gesture, I am so grateful. I cry as I write this. I am so grateful for the passive, thoughtful gesture and for recognizing me as Kylie’s mother. As time passes and I talk to others about our daughter, with all the best intentions people tell me how strong I am, how I am going to make a great mother. But, I am a mother. I am Kylie’s mother. I carried her in my womb. I felt her kick. I loved her more than words can describe. So, I want to take these brief moments to let you know how grateful I am for your friendship and for your support. That gesture means so much to me.

With Love, Ericka

Kylie Ryann's Story - Grief

Grief is an interesting feeling. Sometimes I feel like I’m healing, I’m moving forward, it doesn't hurt so bad. Then, it just hits. It hits me like a bus going 65 miles per hour. It’s the feeling that there is a hole in my heart. Someone is gripping my heart and squeezing, and squeezing, and squeezing… it. hurts. so. bad. 

After Kylie passed away, those first few weeks were so, so hard. There was so much grief in almost every moment of every day. Then, each day began to feel a little bit better. Finally, when someone asked me how I was I could honestly say, “pretty good” instead of what had become my normal response, “I’m okay.”  I wasn't “pretty good” all the time, but much of the day I truly was doing “pretty good.”

Patrick and I both went back to work a week and a half after having Kylie. I know it seems soon, but I could not just sit at home while Patrick was at work. I couldn't sit at home alone with my grief.  I needed a routine. I needed to enter “real life” again. Going back to work was hard, but it helped me continue to heal. Integrating back into the social world was very difficult but was good for me. During the week and a half following Kylie’s birth, Patrick and I only went outside to walk Zailey (our dog) very early in the morning. We shut our garage door precisely upon entering the garage if we had journeyed out. It was so painful to imagine explaining our loss of Kylie to our neighbors. In the second week upon returning to work, we took one more day off to have Kylie’s memorial. After that, we planned our trip to Maui, I filled our social calendar, and we had some follow-up doctors’ appointments. Keeping busy helps me cope. It gives me other things to focus on - food to prepare, plans to be made, a house to clean, a calendar to manage.

We thoroughly enjoyed our trip to Maui. Throughout the trip, I said to Patrick over and over that “vacation is good for the soul.” It is. For me, it’s a break from real life. I don’t have to think about work, clean our house, do laundry, mow our lawn, talk to anyone except my husband, or commute. It’s amazing. I cried when I wanted to, I laughed when I wanted to, I slept when I wanted to. It was healing.

After returning from Maui we went up north for the weekend with extended family. It was so much fun. I had looked forward to Maui and our weekend up north. But now what? I am back at work. The craziness has died down. Grief has hit me like a bus this week. Today I would have been almost 36 weeks pregnant with our daughter. She’d almost be full term. I am supposed to be huge and uncomfortable and ready to be done being pregnant.  I was supposed to have two baby showers in the next couple of weeks. As our due date approaches, I am filled with such an intense sense of loss. I feel like I’m regressing. Each day and night is hard again, so hard. I sob, not cry, but sob. It had been weeks since I've sobbed. I fully accept that this is part of our journey. There will be times that are more difficult than others. Going forward, I know that my grief management will improve and then regress again. My continued prayers are for peace and comfort, and I know that God always provides.

Kylie Ryann's Story - Maui

Now, I know this is a bit out of order as I haven't written about the day Kylie was born, but I want to share this part of her story now.

On June 30, 2015, exactly two months after our daughter's birthday, Patrick and I spread our sweet Kylie's ashes off the coast of Maui in the Pacific Ocean. It was just after sunset.

It's hard to decide when or how to do something like this. There's no guidebook telling us what to do.

On Kylie's birthday the social worker from the hospital asked us what we'd like to do with our daughter's remains. I hate that phrase... "remains." I hate so many of the words used to describe Kylie's passing. I hate the words "death" and "demise." I prefer "passing away" or "born with her soul already in heaven." I hate the phrase "still born." I prefer saying that Kylie passed before she was born. I also don't mind the phrase "silent birth," but I prefer my former statement. I guess it's just one way I cope. I like things to sound "prettier" and less morbid if that makes any sense at all. 

Patrick and I had to discuss what we wanted to do with our daughter's body even before we gave birth and held her in our arms. Alexis, my friend who shared her son's story with us, told us about this conversation we'd have to have with the hospital staff. Patrick and I had briefly discussed our options the night before going to the hospital, but we had no idea what the right option for our daughter was. It was just too much to dive into that conversation even before going to the hospital to be induced.

When the social worker brought up the topic, we didn't make our decision right away. As the day progressed, Patrick and I talked about it off and on. I just couldn't fathom our daughter's tiny body in an infant casket. I couldn't fathom picking a burial plot. I couldn't fathom burying her in the ground. "What if we move?" I said. It's true. I couldn't imagine my daughter buried in a cemetery in Lakeville and us moving across the country, but deep down I think that was just an excuse I used. I truly could not imagine having a funeral for our daughter and burying her. Again, as I have been so clear about as I write this blog. This is our story. Some people find so much comfort in having a place to go where their child is buried, and that is a beautiful thing. I just knew it was not the right decision for us.

We decided to have Kylie cremated. We made no official arrangements on the day of her birth. It was just too difficult. The social worker handed us a folder with a bunch of grief material inside. Included in the materials was a list of funeral homes we could work with. Looking at that list made me sob. I hated that we had to do this. I hated that we had to make these calls. On Kylie's birthday, we decided to focus on labor and her birth. I mentioned to Patrick that maybe we could give the list to my mom, and she could make the calls. At the end of our hospital stay, we decided to just get the funeral home arrangement-making over with. I remembered that Alexis and her husband had the foresight to choose a funeral home in a different city, one they would not have to drive by, ever. I don't think I would have even thought about location without her mentioning this. This is yet another reason I'm so grateful for Alexis sharing her son's story with us. We chose a funeral home in Shakopee. It was literally the first funeral home to call us back just after I called. I was on the phone with them for less than 2 minutes and had the arrangements made. The man was so kind. He told me he'd take care of everything. I remember having to tell him what happened to our daughter, to explain that we had our daughter at 22 weeks and 3 days (I thought at the time) and that she had already passed away. It was awful to have to choke out those words.

After arriving home from the hospital, we ordered Kylie's box. Yes, it's an infant urn, but "urn" is another morbid word that I hate using. I didn't want a stone urn. It was too depressing for me to handle. Patrick and I decided to have the wooden box engraved. The box says:

Kylie Ryann Byer

Born an Angel to this earth April 30, 2015

Our Baby Girl, we will join you in eternal life in heaven one day

This was yet another painful task that had to be completed. It pained me to look up infant urns on the internet. It literally felt like someone was grabbing hold of my heart and squeezing so that I could barely swallow, breath, or speak. When Kylie's box arrived a week later, we were very pleased with it. It has become a beautiful keepsake, representing Kylie's life here on this earth.

The funeral home was wonderful to work with. Walking into the building was difficult for me. Patrick held my hand the entire time we were there to sign our paperwork. Once we were finished and back out at the car, he held me as I sobbed into his shoulder. I remember feeling strong as we drove there but that it was much more difficult than I thought it would be to look at those papers with our daughter's name on them and to sign papers allowing her to be cremated. Once Kylie had been cremated, we brought her box there. They put her tiny amount of ashes into the box and we brought it home.

I thought it would be weird to have our daughter's ashes in a box at our home, but it wasn't. I'm not sure why I thought it would be. We had decided that we didn't want to keep her ashes in her box at our home. We decided that we wanted to spread her ashes somewhere in the world, somewhere beautiful.

We decided that we'd take a vacation that we'd otherwise not have taken this summer with a baby due in August. We decided that Maui, Hawaii was the right destination for us. It was a very relaxing, healing trip. Patrick and I spent time, just the two of us. I'm glad we waited a couple of months before going. We are able to feel joy again. For a while after Kylie's birth, I had a very hard time imagining the feeling of pure joy again. I definitely feel joy, it's just a little bit different than it used to be. It's not quite so pure anymore, but that's ok. It's part of our journey here on this earth. Life is messy, but God always provides. As I sit here writing during my quiet time this morning, our last morning in Maui, I read Psalm 33:8. "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." And Psalm 33:10 "...the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts him." God has guided us throughout this entire journey of Kylie's life, passing, birth, and thereafter. Kylie's tiny life has taught me to "lay it down," to truly lay it down. Lay my life down at His feet. Let Him take control. It's freeing, truly. I have never trusted in the Lord the way I do right now in this very moment.

During our vacation, on June 30, we spread our daughter's ashes in the ocean. We took photos of Kylie's box at sunset. We wanted to have something to remember that evening by. Just after sunset we walked the beach, just down from our condo in Kahana, Maui. We walked to the end of the beach. On the beach, my husband held me and her small bag of ashes that we removed from her box. We cried together. We prayed together. We walked out into the ocean and together we spread her ashes. The waves carried them out to sea. It was a healing experience. I feel like it was the last physical thing that we needed to do on this journey. This journey is nowhere near over. It won't be over until we meet our daughter in heaven someday, but it is another step in the healing process.

Kylie Ryann's Story - My Doctor's Appointment

In the days after we returned from the hospital, I wrote down Kylie's story. I know myself. I know that I forget things. Memories fade oh so quickly. Tonight, almost 7 weeks after Kylie's birth, I finally read what I wrote. It brought back a slew of memories and feelings I've tucked deep in my heart. I pulled them back out again as I wrote this post. It brings the feelings of pain and grief to the surface again, but it's okay to pull those feelings out once and awhile. It feels good to grieve. It feels good to remember our daughter's life. I had already forgotten so many of the details I wrote. You'll notice that I've included details that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but I didn't want to forget this day.

April 29, 2015 was a regular day. I woke up, went to the gym, came home to shower and get ready, and rode the bus in to work. I thought about catching the Burnsville bus that morning, but chose to take the Lakeville bus because I didn’t want to deal with the traffic driving up to the Burnsville Park-and-Ride. We had a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment that afternoon. It was scheduled for 24 weeks, but given our change in due date from August 17th to August 30th, it was a 22 week 3 day check-up appointment (or so I thought). 

Our appointment was scheduled with our nurse practitioner for 4:50 pm. I had meant to catch the bus at 3:48, but I didn’t quite make it. I got on the 4:01 bus headed to Lakeville. Patrick and I decided he didn’t need to attend the appointment with me given it was just a general check-up, so he stayed downtown to work. There was an accident on 35W South on the way home. I read and dozed as I headed south. I was so excited for my appointment. I loved hearing Kylie’s heartbeat at our appointments. Each time I heard her heartbeat, I smiled and praised God for her little life. When I got to the Park-and-Ride, it was already 4:40. I knew I was going to be late to our appointment. I ran towards my car (literally ran) and made it into the clinic by 4:53… I ran (Again, literally - ask Patrick, I'm known to do this. I don't really care that I look like a complete goon.) into the building and up the stairs to my appointment, all in great spirits. I couldn’t wait to hear Kylie Ryann’s heartbeat and to see my belly measurements. I knew I had grown in the past few weeks since our 2^nd level ultrasound on April 7^th. I couldn’t wait for the comforting words that our baby girl was perfectly healthy and growing. I actually had a list of questions written out on my iPhone this time to ask my nurse practitioner. We talked about my pregnancy, due date change, and she answered my questions. Then, it was time for my favorite part of the appointment. I hopped up on the table in my knitted black skirt, light green and white pregnancy top, and purple sweater. I quickly lifted my shirt, and she placed the gel on my belly. She moved the Doppler around my lower abdomen, picking up my heartbeat but unable to pick up sweet Kylie’s. She wasn’t overly alarmed that she couldn’t find her tiny, fast heartbeat and went to get the ultrasound machine. My heart sank a bit, and I said a little prayer to the Lord asking that Kylie’s heartbeat would show up strong on the ultrasound. I loved seeing my sweet girl in my womb and was a bit excited to have the opportunity to see her. My nurse practitioner was gone for just a minute and returned with the machine. She place some more gel on my tummy, tucking a towel beneath my skirt. Kylie’s image showed up on the ultrasound machine, and I immediately noticed that I could not see a heartbeat as I could with all of our other ultrasounds. Our nurse practitioner didn’t say a whole lot. Her face told me the story. I said something to the effect of, “You don’t see a heartbeat, do you?” She shook her head no and said that she regretfully did not. I said that I could not either. Kylie wasn’t moving at all. My heart was beating so hard inside my chest. My heart was sinking with initial sadness and disbelief. I remember raising my hands above my head and taking a deep breath. I got down off the table as the nurse practitioner told me that she would immediately schedule an ultrasound downstairs in radiology. She left me alone in the room. I called Patrick. He answered at work. I asked him if he had gotten on the bus yet. He had not. I believe it was around 5:23pm. I told my loving husband that he needed to get on the bus now and that he needed to come to the clinic. I told my loving husband that our beautiful baby girl did not have a heartbeat but that we needed to be sure with an official ultrasound. He left work immediately. I hung up and began sobbing alone in the room. I prayed to God that it was a mistake, that Kylie had a heartbeat, but I knew she had not moved at all during my ultrasound. She looked different than earlier in the month when I had seen her moving in my womb. Her profile seemed different. The nurse practitioner came back in. She told me that I had an ultrasound scheduled for 6:15pm. She asked if Patrick was coming. I said that he should be there in about 45 minutes. She told me that if they could not detect a heartbeat, the doctor would call me immediately after the ultrasound to discuss our next steps. She told me I would be induced in the next few days to give birth to my beautiful baby girl’s body. I remember that she told me she hoped she was wrong, that she hoped the ultrasound tech would detect a heartbeat, but in my heart I knew our baby had passed away.

After being asked to drink a whole glass of water to prepare for the ultrasound, I walked downstairs to the basement. Half way down the stairs, I called Patrick again. I asked him if he would be ok with me calling my parents. I wanted to respect both his privacy and my own. He said yes, that I could call them. I told him I loved him again. I remember standing in front of a large window, half way down the main staircase at our clinic. Patrick told me he loved me again. I remember this moment so well. I remember sobbing as I hung up the phone. I remember that it truly started to sink in. We had lost our first child. I continued down to the basement and signed into my appointment. There was one other woman in the waiting room. I was silently crying. I called my mom and my dad. Neither answered. My dad called me back a few minutes later. I remember that I had terrible reception. After all, I was in the basement. I walked out of the waiting area to the center area of the basement and called my dad again. He answered. I told him they couldn’t find Kylie’s heartbeat. I told him about our upcoming ultrasound. I asked him to tell my mom. I could barely choke out the words. I hung up. I sat back down in the same waiting room chair. I cried. So many thoughts filled my mind. My name was finally called. I walked towards the ultrasound room. The ultrasound tech asked if I wanted to wait for my husband. I already knew deep down that Kylie was gone, so I told her that I didn't want to wait. I wasn’t sure exactly when Patrick would make it. I asked the lady at the desk to bring my husband back when he arrived. I laid down in the chair, taking a huge breath. We started the ultrasound. Kylie hadn’t moved at all since seeing her upstairs on the ultrasound machine. There was no visual heartbeat, and the ultrasound technician confirmed. Tears streamed down my face. She took measurements of Kylie and told me she was so sorry. 

Something I have learned as we walk through this grief journey is that sometimes there are no words, and that's okay. I simply appreciate an "I'm sorry for your loss." There's not much else to say. I don't know how others feel when they lose a loved one. There's so much pain involved. A simple "I'm sorry. There are no words." will do just fine. Nothing I say will help a grieving individual feel better. I am grateful for that lesson through all of this. 

Kylie measured smaller than she had a few weeks back. It made me afraid. I was afraid to see my daughter. I am ashamed to say that , but it was my true feeling. I was scared of what she would look like after I gave birth. Had her appearance changed after her passing? I have learned to give myself grace through all of this. It's okay that I felt that way. It's all a part of the shock, grief, and sadness of losing our daughter. And you know what? God provided. Before the nurse brought our daughter to us and laid her in my arms the following day, I prayed to God that I would find Kylie beautiful. And she was. She was oh so beautiful to us. I am eternally grateful for that moment and for God's compassion. 

The ultrasound tech asked if I wanted ultrasound photos. I said yes. I didn’t want to regret not getting the photos. She asked if I wanted my husband to see Kylie on the ultrasound. I wanted him to have the chance to see her. Patrick arrived just then. He sat down next to me. He held my hand. He gave me strength. I looked at him and said that our sweet baby girl was gone. He nodded. The ultrasound tech brought our baby girl up on the screen once more. She showed both of us there was no heartbeat. She left us in the room alone. I knew the doctor would call us on the phone in the hallway. I wiped the gel off my stomach. I threw the towel in the bin. Patrick and I hugged and cried. God was giving us our “thing.” We always say, “Everyone gets something… something sad, something hard.” That’s just the way life is. I said to Patrick and he agreed, “God is good. God is always good. He has a plan for us.” We held hands as I sat on the edge of the table. I went to use the restroom. The doctor called soon after. He told us that we were to be induced. He suggested we wait until the next day. We agreed.

We drove home, each of us in our separate vehicle. I called my parents and told them of our confirmed loss of Kylie. My mom cried with me. I hung up close to home. I was grateful I was not hysterical in the car. I have realized that I can talk about the facts quite easily. It's when I speak about my emotions that it becomes much more difficult. We pulled in the garage and closed the garage door. I called some friends, my manager at work. I texted a few people. Our next door neighbors came over. We told them as well. Patrick and I cried together. We ate frozen pizza and applesauce. The hospital called. They told us to arrive at 7:30am and to call at 7am the next morning to confirm. 

I decided to message a high school classmate on Facebook. I knew she had lost a sweet baby boy in her womb the year before. She had been about 22 weeks along. I knew this because she had also blogged about her loss. I remember reading about it, crying for her, but I had not spoken to her since high school. She was incredibly kind and spoke with me for almost an hour about her experience. I cried. I spoke my feelings and emotions aloud to her. She understood. What a gift it was to speak with her. It is just another way God has been so tangibly present throughout this whole journey. She prepared me for what to expect the next day. She prepared me for the decisions we’d have to make. She prepared me for difficult conversations we’d have to have with the medical staff. Most importantly, she shared her story with me. She did not tell me what to feel or how to do things. She just shared what decisions her and her husband had made, how she had felt, and how they had met their sweet son's body. She shared that they brought a blanket to the hospital with them to hold their son in. Because of her thoughtfulness, we now have one of my most prized possessions with us even though Kylie is gone.

Kylie's Blanket

As soon as I got off the phone with my high school classmate, I went upstairs to make a blanket for our Kylie Ryann. I had planned to make her multiple of the same blanket before she was born so that I could wash them and she wouldn’t be without. This one blanket would have to do. I started making the blanket as Patrick cleaned up the kitchen from dinner. He came and joined me in the sewing room when he was finished downstairs. The thread got stuck multiple times. I cried and got angry. I said I couldn’t deal with it. My sweet husband fixed the machine for me and finished sewing Kylie’s blanket. I cleaned up all the clothes I had laid out for our upcoming vacation to Missouri (we opted not to go). I put all my maternity clothes in a pile. I needed them out of our room. I needed to put them away when I returned home from the hospital. We got ready for bed. We looked at my belly in the mirror together knowing this would be the last night at home with our daughter in my womb. We read our bible together. We cried. We tried to sleep. I slept off and on.

Our last ultrasound photos of Kylie - Her sweet little body in the fetal position.

Our last ultrasound photos of Kylie - Her tiny little legs.

Kylie Ryann's Story - It's Time

Since we returned from the hospital, the mementos we have from Kylie's birth have sat on the counter. The night we found out about her passing, Patrick and I, together, made her a blanket. When she was born, the nurses placed her in the blanket we lovingly sewed for her, and we held her in it. A hat was placed upon her tiny head before the nurse handed our daughter to us. It is absolutely tiny. These two items have become my most prized possessions. We have a a Certificate of Life with Kylie's hand and footprints stamped upon it, among other mementos. 

It's Time... Today I put away her things. I feel okay. I feel sad that I won’t look at them every day, sad that I won’t touch and hold her blanket and hat on regular occasion like I have these past 4 1/2 weeks, but it is time. It’s time to place them in a box. I will allow myself to take Kylie’s things out occasionally and feel the pain, feel the grief, but for now, I’m ready to put her things away. It doesn’t mean I love her or miss her any less. It just means I am ready to take them off the kitchen counter, place them in her box, and put them away. I love you, sweet Kylie Ryann.

Where Kylie's possessions have lain since arriving home from the hospital

Kylie's Certificate of Life

Her beautiful footprints

Her sweet handprints

Kylie's box of memories

Kylie Ryann's Story - Our Pregnancy

As I stated in Kylie's memorial post, I have decided to blog about our daughter's story. Writing has helped me immensely since Kylie's birth. I have journaled to Kylie throughout the past month, writing my feelings of incredible sadness, hope, guilt, peace, strength, and so much more to her. In the few days after Kylie's birth, I wrote down her birth story, describing every feeling and emotion and capturing every memory I could before it started to fade. I have not read my long account of her birth yet, but I am so grateful I had the presence of mind to write in a time in which we were so heartbroken. I have leaned on God's word, writing down scripture that has helped me feel so much unexpected comfort. Writing thank you notes to those who have surrounded us during this time has provided relief from some of the pain. (By no means are we done yet for those of you who have not received one.) I think that for the first few weeks after Kylie's birth, I could explain how grateful I was for the support in writing. I just couldn't find the words to speak out my gratefulness.

One thing that I know I will mention over and over again is that God has provided us with an incredible sense of peace in Kylie's passing. A peace that I cannot fully describe in words. It's a peace that Patrick and I never new existed in this world, but God has blessed us incredibly with it throughout our journey since finding out that Kylie passed away on April 29th. I also want to say that every person experiences grief in a different way. There is no wrong way to grieve. As I know I will describe our feelings of grief in the next few blog posts, I also want to say that how we feel and how we have dealt with our pain and grief is not the "right way." There is no "right way" to feel when something tragic happens in your life. I have given myself grace throughout these past few weeks. I have been gentle with myself. I have allowed myself to feel the pain and to grieve our daughter's death. This grace and gentleness with myself has also been a gift from our Savior. I have a different perspective on others who are dealing with grief. I have such a sense of compassion and understanding that I've never had before. No two situations are the same, but I do know that I grasp a better understanding of how those who are experiencing pain resulting from tragic events are feeling. Now, onto our pregnancy with our first daughter.

On Saturday, December 13, 2014, Patrick and I found out we were expecting our sweet Kylie. Truth be told, we conceived Kylie quicker than we thought we would. We were ecstatic that God blessed us with a child so quickly.

I had expected my monthly "friend" to visit sometime around Monday, December 8. That evening when she hadn't showed, I told Patrick that "we might be pregnant." I was so excited! He told me not to get my hopes up and that my "friend" would probably visit later in the week. He told me to wait until at least Friday to take a pregnancy test. I agreed, and I tried not to be overly excited. Well, Tuesday rolled around, and I happened to be at the downtown Target as I had an eye exam. I impulsively swung by the pregnancy test section and picked up a package of two. When I texted this to Patrick, low and behold, he was not shocked. He knows me pretty well in that I don't have a lot of patience. He told me to wait until the end of the week to take a test. They are pretty expensive after all. Again, I agreed. When I got home from work, I just couldn't take the suspense. I took a pregnancy test. I remember that my heart was racing, beating out of my chest. I waited the 3 minutes. The test said "negative." Darn. I was disappointed. I told Patrick as soon as he got home. He chuckled a little at me, and said, "I told you so." We had one more pregnancy test in the box, and he made me promise not to take another until Saturday. By Friday night, my monthly "friend" still hadn't visited me. I was getting pretty excited, but I also felt some slight menstrual cramping, or so I thought. I was trying not to get my hopes up too high. When going to sleep that evening, Patrick told me I could not wake up at 5am on a Saturday to take the test. Once again, I must say, my husband knows me all too well. I woke up a few times on Saturday morning. I finally allowed myself to use the restroom a little after 7am. I took the test, and it was POSITIVE. I remember feeling like it was a dream. It didn't feel real. We were extremely happy. We have a family video of the two of us expressing our happiness in expecting our first little one that I will cherish forever. I'll spare you the video as we are in our pajamas still in bed. Zailey even got to share her feelings of excitement with us. :)

Our one and only pregnancy test that said, "PREGNANT."

As we found out we were expecting on December 13th, we thought we'd announce to our immediate families at Christmas. What an awesome Christmas present that would make. We had onesies made for each of our parents and for my brothers. Their reactions were pretty fun to watch. My mom was absolutely shocked. I had kept our secret from her for 12 days... probably a record of some kind.

My family, holding their onesies. (Unfortunately, I don't think we took a photo of Patrick's parents.)

At just over 9 weeks along, on January 13, we had our first doctor's appointment. We had an ultrasound and got to see our baby for the first time. It was so exciting! Her heartbeat was strong, and she was measuring just as we had thought. Our baby was due August 17, 2015 - My birthday!

Kylie's 9 week ultrasound photo. She's that little "blob" that I remember saying looked like a snowman.

In January, we prepped our pregnancy announcement cards. We were so excited to announce our child's life to our friends and family. I couldn't wait to send them out. Our announcement had a running theme as it's something Patrick, Zailey, and I love to do together. We fed Zailey about 100 treats to get her to sit nicely. Patrick also snapped what seemed like 1,000 photos. We captured a good one. We sent them out when we were around 12 weeks along.

Our pregnancy announcement

Our pregnancy progressed along nicely. Our check-ups were good. I didn't have morning sickness. I stopped feeling so exhausted right around 12 weeks. I remember saying that it was like a switch was flipped. All of a sudden I didn't feel so exhausted anymore. I thought coffee smelled horrible and stopped drinking my beloved lattes. I continued to run and work out with my doctor's blessing.

We had our "20 week" ultrasound on Friday, March 27th. We were 19 weeks and 4 days along. I remember the technician saying to me that I didn't look that far along. I had received that comment from others, including my nurse practitioner, during those high teen weeks. I was definitely eating more and taking care of myself, so I kind of brushed those comments off. The comments still bothered me though. At our appointment we learned that our baby was a GIRL! We were both so excited. Our final guesses: Patrick - boy, Ericka - girl. We also learned that our baby girl was only measuring at 17 weeks and 5 days, so 13 days smaller than we thought. I was a bit concerned but after speaking with our nurse and eventually our doctor, they assured us that it was probably fine. We would receive a second level ultrasound to confirm that everything was ok. They said we probably just weren't as far along as we initially thought. I could feel some comfort in that we weren't exactly sure when Kylie was conceived.

Kylie's 19 week and 4 day ultrasound. Isn't her profile shot adorable?

That evening, after finding out the gender of our sweet child, we drove down to Rochester. We had dinner with our parents, and revealed our little one's gender. My dad had thought I accidentally told him our baby's gender earlier in the day. He was oh so wrong, so it was incredibly exciting when we announced. I'm pretty sure my mom even cried (not shocking if you know her).

The gender reveal cake. We made everyone wait until after dinner to cut it.

 Our extremely excited parents

We were also very excited!

Patrick's mom, Karen, gave us our first baby girl gifts. She had both a boy and a girl gift ready for us. So cute and fun to receive our first GIRL gift.

On the drive home to Rochester, we discussed baby girl names. We had Kylie's name by the end of that one-hour drive. Her middle name, Ryann (sounds like "Ryan," just a little more feminine in spelling), was finalized just a couple weeks later.

We also shared our news with our close friends and next door neighbors the following day. Their entire family and the boys' girlfriends submitted their guesses prior to the reveal.

Callie, cutting the cake

Definitely pink frosting!

On April 6, a week and a half after our "20 week" ultrasound, we had our 2nd level ultrasound. We were now 21 weeks along in our pregnancy. It was much more in-depth than the first. They did a complete echo-cardiogram on our sweet daughter. She was in perfect health. She had grown proportionally within the time period since our last ultrasound, so our due date was moved to August 30th. We found out at this time that Kylie and I shared a two vessel umbilical cord. We had one vein, which brings nutrients from the placenta to the baby, and one artery that bring waste back to the placenta. Most people have two arteries in the umbilical cord. The doctors assured us that this is more common than you think, and normally, there are absolutely no issues with having a two vessel umbilical cord. Again, as most pregnant women do, I let myself stress over this, but our doctors continued to assure us that everything was just fine. After all, they found absolutely no issues with Kylie's health. 

 I loved getting to see her sweet little profile again

 So beautiful to her mommy and daddy

Look at her tiny little foot

As I'm writing this blog post, I finally plugged in the flash drive from this ultrasound to our computer. The flash drive had a couple videos I didn't know were on there. The videos show our sweet baby girl moving. In one of the videos, she tucks her sweet little head and moves her legs up and then down. The videos make me a little bit sad, but they also make me smile. I have a video of our baby girl alive and moving in my womb. I'm so grateful, and it makes me think for the millionth time about meeting her in eternal life.

From the time of the second ultrasound to April 29, 2015, when we found out our daughter, Kylie Ryann, had passed away in my womb, we felt pretty good about the pregnancy. We had some concerns related to the ultrasound findings, but she and I were growing. I started to feel her kick once and awhile, which was amazing. I only wish Patrick could have shared those moments with me. We had bought a lot of diapers (I coupon). Patrick had just started to work on her nursery, painting the closet and adding shelving. We had accumulated quite a few toys books, and clothes for our baby girl. She had a beautiful short life during those 24 weeks, and I am so grateful for those weeks and moments. As Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." God knit her together in my womb. He planned for her. He already knew her story and that she would only see the world inside my womb. Kylie made me a mommy and Patrick a daddy. 

 April 17 - Almost 23 weeks

April 19 - Patrick taking her nursery furniture out of the boxes

April 21 - 23 weeks and 1 day

A Letter to Our Sweet Kylie Ryann

Our daughter, Kylie Ryann Byer, was born with her soul already in heaven on April 30, 2015. She weighed 7.4 oz and measured 9 inches long. We were 22 weeks, 4 days pregnant with our beautiful daughter. We loved her from the moment she was conceived, and we miss her incredibly every day. 

I plan to share our daughter's story through a series of blog posts. I am grateful enough to say that I knew someone who had gone through a similar loss, and she was kind enough to share her story with me. I would be absolutely honored if I could help someone someday the way she helped me.

On May 20, 2015, we held our sweet Kylie Ryann's memorial. Our parents and one of my brothers attended with us in a small private prayer room of our church. It was a beautiful yet oh so difficult occasion. Pastor Pat, who baptized our sweet daughter in the hospital, conducted the memorial.

We shared some bible verses with Pastor Pat that we have leaned on throughout these past few weeks. God has provided us with an incredible sense of peace, strength, and hope throughout these past three weeks. The peace we have felt can only be a gift from our Savior.

Psalm 29:11 (the verse I've read most often since we found out Kylie no longer had a heartbeat)

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."

John 14:27

"Peace I leave you with; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

And for our sweet Kylie Ryann:

Jeremiah 1:5

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart."

Mark 10:13-14

"People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

Finally, we asked Pastor Pat to read a letter we wrote to our daughter. Neither of us could have read these words aloud at Kylie's memorial, so Pastor Pat was kind enough to read the letter for us.

_________________________________________________________________________

Our Sweet Kylie Ryann,

There’s so much we want to say to you, so many hopes and dreams we had for you. We know you are in Jesus’s loving arms, our dear sweet girl, watching over your mommy and daddy here on this earth. We want to read something Mommy wrote for you in the weeks after we found out we were pregnant with you.

“Hello Baby,

Gosh, I am 8 weeks pregnant, and I've been meaning to write to you for a few weeks now. Daddy and I have been praying for you, and to be completely honest, you came around quite quickly! I am overjoyed and so excited to be your mommy. I don't think it's quite sunk in yet that you'll be in my arms sometime in mid August. Did you know your due date is my birthday?! What a fabulous birthday present you'll be! I do hope you come on a different day though so that you won't have to share your day :) I love you so much already, and the only proof I have that you exist is the stick that said "pregnant." Well, I'm also tired all the time! But, you don't make me feel too nauseous, and for that I am so grateful. There are so many things I want to say to you, wishes I have for you, prayers I pray for you. My biggest prayer is that you are healthy and that you come into this world immediately knowing God's love and mommy and daddy's love.”

We now know that you fully know God’s love because you are so near to Him in Heaven. We pray that you will watch over us and the little brothers and sisters that we know God will bless us with. We pray that you know you were loved from the moment you were created. We miss you so much, our sweet girl. We love you more than we can ever put into words.

With all our Love,

Your Mommy and Daddy

_________________________________________________________________________

I wrote Kylie's 8 week letter on January 6th. We never thought we'd read it to her at her memorial after giving birth to her in April. One thing I do know is that God has an incredible plan for our lives. While we never would have planned this for ourselves, God always knew of His amazing plan, and it is greater than either Patrick or I can even imagine.