God's Restorative Power

I sit here this morning watching the sun rise. I’m sitting in God’s word and reflecting on the restorative power of our good and gracious God. The sky is pink, and in the sunrise I always feel closest to our first daughter.

It’s April. Four years ago, I was pregnant with our first baby. I was 25 years old. I was naive. I was blissfully unaware of what grief was. My life would soon be turned upside down. It would take a turn that I wouldn’t wish upon another human. I would experience a loss and a grief that I had never experienced before. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Why? Because I have experienced the goodness of God before, during, and after the difficulties of this earthly life. And, because of this I have so much hope.

Sophomore year of college, I blew out my knee, tearing my ACL, MCL, and meniscus. My nineteen-year-old soccer-playing self thought it was about the worst thing that could happen to me. I was sure I’d transfer schools. I was sure I’d never play soccer again. I was sure I’d never fully recover. But, you know what? I recovered. I didn’t transfer. I played again. And, through the first major hardship in my life, God opened my eyes to His goodness in the midst of pain. Three years later, after a medical redshirt that sophomore year, our team had the most successful season our program had seen in a long time. The memories of that final season of soccer are what stick out as I reflect on my college soccer career. I had planned to stay at UNI for a fifth year to get my masters in accounting, and my final year of school was paid for because of that torn ACL. And, most importantly, here is where God began to open my eyes to His provision as we walk through hard things.

Six years later, we sent our first baby to be with Jesus. Kylie Ryann was born an angel to us, and I experienced the depths of grief. I mourned the loss of our sweet girl and the moments we’d never experience with her here on earth. I still mourn and grieve for our girl and always will. But, yet again God opened my eyes to His goodness. God continues to show me the purpose of Kylie’s life. He continues to use it. He continues to help me understand what His restorative power looks like. He continues to open my eyes to His truths. He continues to show me His faithfulness.

“Though you have made me see troubles, many bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.” – Psalm 71:20

In this season, I have plopped myself in the book of Psalm. Slowly, I am making my way through them. As Kylie’s 4^th birthday approaches at the end of the month, I am reminded over and over of God’s goodness. His restorative power. His patience. His love for us. Humans have always experienced hardships. We will always and forever experience hardships. Until the day Jesus returns, there will be tragedy, there will be pain, there will be grief, there will be loss. We live in a broken world. But, I see hope because I have seen the goodness of God through hard things. He is good all the time, even when we don’t feel close to Him. He is moving even when we can’t see Him. And, we are called to praise Him, so praise Him I will. 

Throwing it back to my college soccer-playing days

Just about 4 years ago from right now (April 2015) - pregnant with our first baby girl

It Gets Easier

Just a like a habit… it gets easier.

Saying “yes” gets easier.

Listening for God’s voice gets easier.

Opening our home and hearts to another child gets easier.

Breaking routine to pick up a child, flexibility in naps, sleeping schedule changes, texting our peeps to let them know an extra will be with us… it all gets easier with time. It has become the norm in our life. It’s what we do in this season. We get the emails, we feel called, and we say, “Yes.” The pack and play comes back out, the night light is plugged in, and the sound machine is placed just so (this is new to our routine… praise Jesus). Now, the extra booster seat just stays in its place at the counter. The third car seat is now a fixture in the back seat of the minivan. I could probably maneuver myself into a size 4 diaper for a short amount of time… kidding, but a desperate momma can make any size diaper work for a child for a short amount of time. A variety of types of sippy cups are stored in the cupboard because who knows what a child is used to drinking out of. The freezer, fridge, and pantry are stocked with hot dogs, chicken nuggets, meat balls, mac & cheese, applesauce pouches, and veggie straws because we have found that every kid will eat at least one of these foods. Travel-sized bags of snacks are at the ready when driving to do pick up and drop off. And, Target drive-up is my saving grace.

As we step out in faith, God makes it easier to do so. He has made me more comfortable with the unknown… we don’t know what the bio-mom’s situation will be, we don’t know how the child will react to our home, we don’t always know the exact day a child will return to his or her mom, we don’t know how the child will sleep… the list of unknowns is long. But, He removes the fear. He opens my heart and mind to flexibility and understanding, and when it’s hard (because I’m not going to lie and tell you that it’s not), He reminds me why we do this.

Our extra, raising a hallelujah with me this morning in worship of our awesome God. 

These moments take my breath away.

Raise a Hallelujah

Self Doubt

I would consider myself a fairly confident person. I enjoy a good conversation (okay, if you know me, you know I love to talk); I am comfortable with the fact that I most often wear no make-up and workout clothes (gotta be ready for a workout whenever I get the chance, right? – or is it that leggings are just so darn comfortable…); I embrace my out-going, loud, blunt personality.

But, there are times that:

I begin to doubt myself, doubt my abilities, feel insecure about what I know God has called me to – motherhood; friendships; walking with women experiencing pregnancy loss, infant loss, or infertility; hosting kids in our home and being involved with the ministry we care so deeply for.

“It’s too much. Look at you trying to contain 3 small children in public. They’re too loud. Even at church – they run too crazy, they’re too wild. Why aren’t you keeping them quiet?”

“I said the wrong things. Did I talk too much? Did I say too little? Did I offend someone? Should I have asked for an update from that woman? What if she didn’t want to share? Did my prayers capture everyone’s requests, circumstances, and needs?”

STOP.

What is my heart attitude? Are my intentions pure? Do I desire to advance the kingdom of God? Do I rest in our good and gracious God? Am I responding to a calling I feel he’s placed on my heart? Am I trying to be obedient? Who am I glorifying? – God or myself? If I know the answers to these questions point to Him, then… BREATHE. Let go of the worries and anxieties. Sure, I will make mistakes, but if my heart attitude is right, I know that I’m being obedient to Christ. I am human. I’m not perfect. I will make mistakes. I may offend someone. I may not handle a situation in the best manner. But, there’s grace for that.

I know I’m not the only one who wrestles with self-doubt. I have a feeling that many of us (ehem – women) do. Lately, God has reminded me to examine what I like to call my “heart attitude.” If I know, deep within, that my intentions are pure and come from a place of love (God’s love), then I’ve been able to let go of the doubt that has crept in. I’ve been able to regain my confidence, knowing that my actions are God-honoring.

You are chosen – God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 1 Peter 2:9

Momming these two precious miracles