Past Experience Shaping Our Current Reality - Our 14 Week Appointment

At it’s most basic, trauma is defined as a “deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”

A routine 14 week appointment. Three kids alongside me. One roaming the appointment room, the other two strapped into the stroller. Three sucker sticks sticking out of three little mouths. Crackers litter the floor. Interrupted conversation with my doctor. Questions answered. Blood pressure good. Reassurance provided.

Then comes the doppler. I lay down on the table. My toddler asks me, “What you doing, Mom?” With a smile plastered on my face, I tell him that we get to hear baby sister’s heartbeat. My doctor squirts the gel on my belly and the doppler is brought to my skin. She searches. She’s making small talk. I’m responding. My heartbeat begins to quicken. She continues to move the doppler around. I hear my heartbeat thumping in my ears… it’s getting louder and louder. My doctor is still talking to me – chatting about kids or something. I can’t focus anymore. I finally say it aloud. “I’m starting to panic.” She’s still searching with her doppler. I can tell she's making small talk to try and keep me calm. She finds my heartbeat. I surely know the difference by now. Baby’s is much faster than my own. She says, “That’s your heartbeat.” I breathily reply, “I know.” She tells me not to worry. She tells me this is the most difficult time in pregnancy to find baby on the doppler. My heart is racing. Tears begin to prick my eyes. A thousand thoughts scroll through my mind. “Okay. Maybe we aren’t having a baby in February. How will I tell Patrick? We will get through this…” And then, there it is. The most beautiful sound begins to pour out of the doppler. Our girl’s heartbeat. I begin to sob. I apologize to my doctor. She takes my hand and assures me that my emotions are okay. "We’ve gone through so much." Now, my toddler asks me, “Why you crying, Mom?” I tell him that I’m just so happy to hear baby’s heartbeat. I am emotionally exhausted.

Our past experiences shape us. Until this pregnancy, I could not internally admit that we’ve experienced trauma. That’s for other people. We’re okay. I’m okay.

And, I am okay, but I do realize and accept that our past traumatic experiences overshadow every pregnancy and delivery we experience. No matter what, God holds us in the palm of His hand. It’s okay to feel the emotions that I feel. “But I trust in you, Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hands” – Psalm 31:14-15

God's reminder of His presence the morning of this appointment

Baby Byer #4 (GIRL)

Here I am. It’s been awhile since I put my fingers to my keyboard. Why yes, my pen goes to paper most days, sending up prayers to our Father, asking Him for so much and thanking Him for increasingly more.

What has brought me here today? Let’s get real.

FEAR.

We are 17 weeks 6 days pregnant with our fourth baby. Praise our good and gracious Father. Our baby is a girl. God has given us three girls and brother B. Oh man, He is good. Every day, I thank Him for each one of our children. Every day, I ask for His protection, for health, for His blessings to rain down on our kids.

At any given moment, I can tell you exactly how far along I am in a pregnancy and exactly how much time is left. I just need to make it to 37 weeks, and these babies are ejected from my body. Tomorrow, I will be 18 weeks along. By God’s amazing grace, that means I have exactly 19 weeks to go until this baby will be in my arms. From the day we learn we are expecting, we long for that day. We long to take a deep breath out and breathe in our newborn. We long to touch and feel and kiss our child. We long for the day we will not worry that we may never meet our child.

It is our past experiences that have brought us to this point. We did not get to meet Kylie on this side of heaven. And, three years ago, we thought we may have to leave the hospital without our baby for the second time. I know that God does not call us to live anxiously, and boy does He provide peace. But, I am human, and here is my greatest fear.

That God’s plan may be different from my own.

I trust Him. I trust Him fully. I have seen His goodness in the midst of pain. I have seen the way He has shaped us through our experiences. And, I can honestly say that I wouldn’t change a thing about our life journey. But, I do not desire to feel the grip of pain and grief we have experienced before. I do not once again desire to feel the immense fear of an unknown future for our child with a grim diagnosis.

Here’s something else I know (from a Zach Williams song).

Fear he is a liar

He will take your breath

Stop you in your steps

He will rob your rest

Steal your happiness

God is so much bigger than our greatest fears. He will carry me through this pregnancy. He will provide, no matter what the outcome. He will grant a sense of peace that can only come from Him. He will allow me to rejoice in a new life. And, He will be glorified.

So, here it is… Baby Byer #4 (GIRL), by God’s amazing grace, will join us in mid-February!

Kylie's 4th Birthday

Last night as our family got into our minivan and left our small group gathering, one of our friends ran outside and handed me a card. She told me to wait until the morning to open it. As we drove home, the hot tears began to spill from my eyes. They were so unexpected, yet they poured down my face as we drove home. I could feel the mountain of emotion that had been building in my heart as we approached Kylie’s 4^th birthday.

Before sleep overcame us last night, Patrick and I laid next to each other in the dark. We spoke about what we remembered about April 29^th and 30^th, four years ago. Again, the tears poured down my face as we talked – sewing Kylie’s blanket, calling our friends and family to let them know our daughter had passed away, knowing it would be the last night Kylie would be in my womb, storing away all my maternity clothes because I didn’t want to look at them upon returning from the hospital… So many details. Such painful memories. Such beautiful, raw, life-changing memories.

So much grief, yet so much love and joy. That’s what Kylie has brought to our life. I have said it over and over, and I know I’ll say it again. I wouldn’t change any of it. Of course I wish we were raising Kylie Ryann. Of course I wish I was celebrating a beautiful 4 year-old’s birthday here on earth. Instead, our life looks completely different than I ever thought it would look 4 years ago, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am and always will be eternally grateful to Kylie for changing the trajectory of our life; for showing us how to walk with our good and gracious God; for allowing us to understand grief; for opening our eyes to the compassion Christ desires us to have; for allowing me to be a better and more present mother.

Four years, baby girl. Four years ago, I gave birth to my first baby; my girl. I wish I could hold you in my arms today – on your fourth birthday, but I know that I cannot. I’ll settle with holding your brother and sister tonight for just a little bit longer than usual. I’ll soak them in just a little bit longer, in honor of you. I know you are up there in heaven, looking down on us. I know you laugh at us, shake your head at us, and roll your eyes at me, your crazy momma. You made me a mother, Kylie Ryann, and I am so grateful for you. Happy birthday, our girl.

Love, Your Momma and Daddy

Today, as I thumbed through all the cards and letters we’ve received through the years on Kylie’s birthday, I found one that spoke to my soul. On Kyie’s first birthday, one of my oldest and dearest friends wrote me a long letter. In it, she said this: 

“To see you and Pat get involved with Safe Families (now Together for Good) and take care of Little L, is to get a glimpse of the extraordinarily intricate and divine plan of God: A God who is so woven into the seams of our lives, no matter how smooth or rough the edges are, that we sometimes forget to look for Him.”

Extraordinary. Intricate. Divine.

Amen. I don’t think I could pick better words to describe God’s plans for our lives.

A 2015 Letter

One week from today is Kylie's 4th birthday. 4 years ago, she was still in my womb. Occasionally, I could feel her move.

My type-A tendencies are visible in how I manage my emails, texts, and socials. You will rarely find unopened messages. Emails are filed in the proper folders at all times. I get annoyed when I have more than 10 emails in my inbox. I delete junk texts because they clog up my mental capacity (and those of you who text me likely know there are many that need responses...). But, there is one email that sits in the drafts folder. It's dated January 6, 2015, and I vividly remember sitting in the seat or two just behind the driver on my commute into work. I finished writing it at 7:51am, and I am a completely different person than the young woman who wrote this message.

Hello Baby,

Gosh, I am 8 weeks pregnant, and I've been meaning to write to you for a few weeks now. Daddy and I have been praying for you, and to be completely honest, you came around quite quickly! I am overjoyed and so excited to be your mommy. I don't think it's quite sunk in yet that you'll be in my arms sometime in mid August. Did you know your due date is my birthday?! What a fabulous birthday present you'll be! I do hope you come on a different day though so that you won't have to share your day :) I love you so much already, and the only proof I have that you exist is the stick that said "pregnant." Well, I'm also tired all the time! But, you don't make me feel too nauseous, and for that I am so grateful. There are so many things I want to say to you, wishes I have for you, prayers I pray for you. My biggest prayer is that you are healthy and that you come into this world immediately knowing God's love and mommy and daddy's love. 

Reflecting on these words makes me a little bit teary, but I also know what a blessing Kylie has been to us and to others, how she has changed us, and I know how important her beautiful short life was and continues to be.

God's Restorative Power

I sit here this morning watching the sun rise. I’m sitting in God’s word and reflecting on the restorative power of our good and gracious God. The sky is pink, and in the sunrise I always feel closest to our first daughter.

It’s April. Four years ago, I was pregnant with our first baby. I was 25 years old. I was naive. I was blissfully unaware of what grief was. My life would soon be turned upside down. It would take a turn that I wouldn’t wish upon another human. I would experience a loss and a grief that I had never experienced before. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Why? Because I have experienced the goodness of God before, during, and after the difficulties of this earthly life. And, because of this I have so much hope.

Sophomore year of college, I blew out my knee, tearing my ACL, MCL, and meniscus. My nineteen-year-old soccer-playing self thought it was about the worst thing that could happen to me. I was sure I’d transfer schools. I was sure I’d never play soccer again. I was sure I’d never fully recover. But, you know what? I recovered. I didn’t transfer. I played again. And, through the first major hardship in my life, God opened my eyes to His goodness in the midst of pain. Three years later, after a medical redshirt that sophomore year, our team had the most successful season our program had seen in a long time. The memories of that final season of soccer are what stick out as I reflect on my college soccer career. I had planned to stay at UNI for a fifth year to get my masters in accounting, and my final year of school was paid for because of that torn ACL. And, most importantly, here is where God began to open my eyes to His provision as we walk through hard things.

Six years later, we sent our first baby to be with Jesus. Kylie Ryann was born an angel to us, and I experienced the depths of grief. I mourned the loss of our sweet girl and the moments we’d never experience with her here on earth. I still mourn and grieve for our girl and always will. But, yet again God opened my eyes to His goodness. God continues to show me the purpose of Kylie’s life. He continues to use it. He continues to help me understand what His restorative power looks like. He continues to open my eyes to His truths. He continues to show me His faithfulness.

“Though you have made me see troubles, many bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.” – Psalm 71:20

In this season, I have plopped myself in the book of Psalm. Slowly, I am making my way through them. As Kylie’s 4^th birthday approaches at the end of the month, I am reminded over and over of God’s goodness. His restorative power. His patience. His love for us. Humans have always experienced hardships. We will always and forever experience hardships. Until the day Jesus returns, there will be tragedy, there will be pain, there will be grief, there will be loss. We live in a broken world. But, I see hope because I have seen the goodness of God through hard things. He is good all the time, even when we don’t feel close to Him. He is moving even when we can’t see Him. And, we are called to praise Him, so praise Him I will. 

Throwing it back to my college soccer-playing days

Just about 4 years ago from right now (April 2015) - pregnant with our first baby girl